Dead To Me

Larry,

This isn't the time nor the place to call out Stephen Colbert for stealing my ideas, but I did want to point out that I began a Dead-To-Me List back when it was unfashionable to do so. I was adding people to the list left and right all throughout my tumultuous twenties. A couple of years ago, when My Name is Earl premiered, I purged everyone from the list and decided that I'd be a little more thoughtful with regard to new additions. Like the novelty of MNIE, my maturity didn't last long. The list has since fluctuated between obesity and anorexia, depending on my particular mood. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Until Sunday, that is.

I decided to do the grocery shopping on Sunday, before the girls made it back from Mississippi. Forced to choose between exorbitant Miss Cordelias and sketchy Kroger on Cleveland, I chose the latter because of the savings that I would certainly reap with my Kroger Plus Card. As I approached the store, I noticed a down-trodden and quite possibly inebriated fellow urinating in the parking lot. I can't say that I was completely unsympathetic to his plight but I was disgusted nonetheless. I promptly informed the security guard on duty and began my shopping. However, a fellow lady shopper belched within earshot of me and I decided to cut and run. I sought out greener pastures at the Kroger in midtown. Smart move on my part.

Needless to say, Kroger at 1366 Poplar Ave. in Memphis, TN, you are Dead to Me.

Hope everything is well in California. Your house didn't burn down in the Great Fire of 2007, did it? I hope not.

Paul

Desperate Housewives

Larry,

I learned late yesterday afternoon that a coworker of mine has purchased, with American dollars, a real-life mail-order bride. Most of us here thought that John was a little creepy and now our suspicions are confirmed. Fortunately for all of us, in 2-4 weeks, he will be someone else's problem.

Interestingly, he is bragging about his latest purchase. If it were me, I would tell no one. Also, I would create an elaborate cover story and ensure that she learned it word for word before I introduced her to any of my friends or acquaintances. He PUZZLES me. 

This woman is from a country that ends in -stan but it's not Pakistan. It is a former Soviet bloc country. I am going to try very hard to secure a picture of this woman. I will keep you apprised of my progress.

Paul

Hell's Kitchen

Larry,

Do you watch Hell's Kitchen? Did you watch last night? Bonnie made an incredibly stupid blunder. At the end of dinner service last night, she was chosen to nominate two of her teammates for elimination. She chose Rock and Julia. Because she was the chef with the least experience, it was no surprise to me that Chef Ramsey asked Julia to leave. However, what Bonnie failed to realize was that with Julia gone, she (Bonnie) is now the least qualified for the position at the Green Valley Ranch. Had she nominated Rock and Jen, she would have at least eliminated one of her most serious competitors, and thus extended her stay on the program at least another week. But because of her foolhardy mistake, she has unwittingly sealed her own fate. Dumb, blonde Bonnie. Oh, how I wanted you to fare better.

This is trivial, I know but it really bothered me that she made such a critical error. I don't know why. I stewed about it for maybe 10 minutes after the show was over.

It's all moot anyway because Rock wins the contest. I believe that this is common knowledge.

I hope that I didn't RUIN it for you.

Be well,

Paul 

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Wrong Number

Larry,

I just got a call from someone working at a local daycare that wanted to order one Large Pepperoni pizza. Despite my rather colloquial answer to the call and then subsequent stuttering in an attempt to understand why someone was calling me to order a pizza, the young lady persisted. She placed her order. I asked for her address and told her that it would be 20 to 30 minutes. I'll be honest with you-I've never felt so ALIVE!

Kids shouldn't eat pizza anyway. Don't they know, it's bad for you?

Hope all is well.

I should mention that we almost killed her new daughter after only 1 week of life. I will detail that experience at a later time. I am drunk with power at the moment and cannot concentrate.

Paul

Kicking and Screaming

Larry,

Sorry I haven't kept you updated. I have been acclimating to a new and terrifying life. But I did want you to meet my number one gal.



Larry, meet Lilly.

Talk soon,

Paul

The Final Countdown

Larry,

This is it. We're off to the hospital in just a few short hours to deliver this god-forsaken baby. She, that's made our lives pretty miserable for the last eight months or so. We couldn't be more excited! Also, this just in...someone's getting an enema but I'm not at liberty to say who. Stand by for the results of the APGAR test. Research suggests that this is THE litmus test to determine whether or not a child will be successful in school and thus, in life. We are anxious to review the results. Until then, Lily's a size Micro. Please get her something appropriate for the season.

Paul

Out of Order

Larry,

Did I tell you that I witnessed a crime? No? Well then, let me tell you my tale.

It was late one night, a couple of weeks ago. I was outside at midnight hoping to catch a glimpse of a falling star or some other astrological phenomenon when suddenly, a woman's cry pierced the night like a metal stud does a nubile woman's ear. Frightened, I peered out from behind my fence to see what was afoot and sure as I looked, I spied a group of 4 people standing around a car. Two men and two women were present, of this I was sure. From the woman's continued screams, I could tell that she was distressed. I ran inside hurriedly to call the police. They did not respond quickly. I remained on the phone with them for ten minutes giving them my location and alerting them to the obvious-one of the men was abusing one of the women. By the time I got off of the phone with the police dispatcher, I missed most of the action. In fact, my last glimpse of the fray was simply of a man peering out of an apartment door, obviously checking to see if the ruckus had coaxed anyone out of their homes. He then retreated inside and I waited for the police to come.

The police showed up about 20 minutes after I had placed the call. A police officer came over to talk to me and then he approached, cautiously, the apartment in question. The abuser answered the door and was apparently sprayed with the pepper spray. Good job, police! They handcuffed him and as they led him to the cruiser, I brazenly yelled, "That's what you get for hitting a woman, B1TCH!" His head hung low so I don't think that I was spotted.

After all of the excitement, the arresting office came to take my statement. I offered what I knew and kindly gave him my address and phone number, adding that I would be happy to testify should he be tried for anything. The officer insisted that the personal information was for the records only and that I wouldn't be bothered in the future.

This was a lie. Don't get me wrong. I feel like it's my civic duty to testify however, I also feel that it's a police officer's responsibility to be honest with the citizenry. Maybe honesty is too much to ask. Still, I am thankful that they responded when they did. I could see how a domestic squabble might quickly get out of hand. I hope that the defendant spends some time behind bars although I fear that I will not be a very good witness for the prosecution.

I'll be at 201 Polar at 9:00 AM on the 27th of this month, being civic-minded. And because I have seen Dog Day Afternoon, you can expect a fiery testimonial from me regarding this heinous crime.

To be continued…

Paul

A Sign of Things to Come

Larry,

Howdy, old friend. I heard through the grape vine that you and Laurie were splitting up. That's a shame. Really. I thought that if anyone could make, it would be you guys. I hope that you are well and aren't taking it too hard. Or maybe the rumor is a bunch of nonsense and there is absolutely no truth to those rumors. Which ever is true, I know that you'll soldier on.

Depressing.

Ok, so here's what's been going on in my life.

Anna's getting close to having Lily. In fact, she's begun having contractions and they seem to be more frequent lately. We now believe that the projected due date of July 2nd is an overestimate. In fact, Anna feels like it could happen any day now. Exciting stuff for a first time parent. I know that you've already done all of this so I won't bore you with my excitement and anxiety. But it's happening soon.

Also, I've decided that I want to be a pharmacist. Actually, Anna's father, Dan helped me decide that. I won't get into the conversation that we had about it. Nevertheless, I'm going back to school. I've got to take some prerequisites-nine to be exact. Then, I can take the PCAT, which is the Pharmacy school admissions test. Also, I'll have to apply to UT Memphis and get accepted. Then, I can start the 4 year program. So, lots of hurdles. But I'm taking Microbiology and Calculus this summer. Hopefully, I'll have the pre-reqs done in 2 years. So, if all goes according to plan, I should hold a Pharm D when I'm nearing 40. C'est la vie.

Ah...we got a new family-oriented vehicle. A Honda CRV. It's nice. What else...

I don't know. That's it really. We watched a good movie last night. Notes on a Scandal. Where was Cate Blanchette when I was in middle school? Despite my jealousy and incredulity, I enjoyed the movie. Dame Judy Dench is the bomb! Also, this just in-I am retarded.

Ok, so I need to work on Calculus. I'm not enjoying that nearly as much as I am the Microbiology class but what are you going to do?

We're registered at Baby's R Us if you want to get a gift for Little Lily. If not, I understand. You're busy with your own life. But a Prius would be nice. Forget I said anything.

That's all I got. Take care of yourself. I'll check in with you again real soon. Hopefully, I can live blog the delivery. On the other hand, Anna might have other ideas. She has privacy issues.

Later,

Paul

Grand Central

Larry,

I wanted to tell you about Grand Central. I've wanted to tell all my friends but seeing as how I don't have very many, it's been difficult. Anyway, this company does some exciting things with the phone. Basically, they want to give you a phone number that you'll have for life. You enter your area code and then they let you choose between several available numbers. Then, once you chosen the number that you want, you set up your account, attaching all of your current phone numbers-work, home, cell phone, to your account. Then, you let all of your contacts know that you have a new number. In the future, when someone calls the Grand Central number, all of your phones ring. So, no matter where you are, you get that very important phone call. But wait, there's more. There are tons of additional features. For example, when your phone rings, you'll hear a recorded voice announcing the caller and asking you if you want to accept or reject the call. But the lady also asks if you want to accept and record the incoming call. So, you can record your calls. Awesome! Also, you can upload your own ringback tone so that when someone calls you, they hear a song instead of a boring ring. Right now, if you called me, you'd hear Black Swan by Thom Yorke. That song rocks and the chorus is the best chorus that has ever been written since the dawn of man. That's pretty much a scientific fact.

Call me if you'd like to hear Thom or leave me a message.

901-562-0824

Cheers,

Paul