Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Ramblin' on my Mind


Yesterday, I forgot to mention that part of my nightly ritual includes walking Xander for the last time. Add 15 to 30 minutes onto the already established 30 minutes and there’s a whopping hours worth of things that I have to do before I go to bed.

But that’s not what I was writing to you about. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I was writing. Maybe it’s just to vent. We’ll see where this takes us.

I’ve been invited to a Memphis Blogger Bash. Would it make me more or less nerdy if I were to attend? I think that I’ll wait to see what they are planning. Free food will likely be the deciding factor.

Did you read about the cat born with two faces? I heard about it last week and then Jen mentioned it yesterday. Fascinating! I saw the video of the little guy meowing and the coolest thing is that both mouths mew in unison. That’s entertainment. But then the story takes a tragic and most unappealing turn. The kitten’s master, a young boy, was asked what he wanted to name the genetic freak, and the kid responds, “Tiger”. Tiger? Tiger! The child must also be a mutant because the only name that one can give to a feline of this ilk is Two-Face. That’s it. You have to draw a line in the sand. I could possibly go with Janus but that’s a little obscure for a toddler. Two-Face. Anything else is unacceptable. I’m serious.

I’ve decided that “Have a great day” is unacceptable in polite conversation. Whether it’s bidding farewell to a friend or completing your conversation with a random customer service representative, this manner of saying goodbye is horrible. It puts entirely too much pressure on the receiver. I mean, I never have a great day-ever. I’ve had maybe 2 great days in my life. The day I was born. I would count that. Of course, I don’t remember it but to finally escape the warm, gooey, disgusting prison that was my mom’s womb, I think, must have been joyous, to say the least. On a scale from 1 to 10, most of my days are a 5…maybe a six if I had to leave work unexpectedly. Days off, depending on my agenda, are better. Even if I have to go get a cleaning at the dentist. Especially if I have to go get a cleaning at the dentist. That day is a solid 7. I don’t normally see 8 or 9 days. And a 10 would be a great day. So, when someone tells me to have a great day, they’ve done me a huge disservice. They’ve put an inordinate amount of pressure on me to do something that’s virtually impossible. Be asked to shoot a guest spot on the Spice Channel’s reality series Who Wants to be a Pornstar? That kind of thing is out of my control.

I wouldn’t do it, by the way. Too self-conscious. Talk about pressure. Imagine performing while a room full of people watch. Impossible.

Have an OK day,


Tuesday, July 18, 2006



How's it going? Long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear that a lot. I think that I'm allergic to obligations. Work, returning phone calls, writing to my bestest friends. Get's harder and harder every day. But, in the spirit of shunning work-related obligations, I thought that I'd drop you a line. How are you? How's the better half? Kids good, I hope. All is well on this side. Summer is killing me. It's so hot here. I've been hearing a lot about Global Warming in the news recently, and you know what? They might be on to something.

This is the worst segue ever...

I've got to figure out a way to reduce the amount of time I spend in preparation for sleep. I sleep very little as it is. Six hours, usually. I think that I may have figured out the problem. My routine. Far too complicated. Here's what goes down every night for me before bedtime:

Neti Pot. Cleans out the sinuses. It's awesome. Trust me. I can't eliminate this. Never. (10 minutes)

Shower. After a long day, I need this. I can probably cut it out when it cools off. But when it's 85 degrees at 9 PM, I'm going to sweat. And if I sweat, I gotta get clean. (5 minutes)

Pre-brush rinse. (30 seconds) I do this for whitening purposes.

Brush (3 minutes) Got to brush-every day, 3 times a day. If you don't have your teeth, you are essentially a hobo. No offense to people with fake teeth. I'm sure that some of you are very productive.

Floss. I'm still working on my technique. This takes a little longer than I'd like. I start at the top, middle. Work my way back to one side. Then start at the back, on the same side. Take that all the way around. Then finish up the top row. (3 minutes)

Post-floss rinse (30 seconds) In case there is any bleeding, which normally, there is not.

Ok. That's maybe 30 minutes. Still, I feel like it takes longer. I think that I can trim that. I'm always looking for efficiencies.

I hope that all is well.