Monday, February 27, 2006

Odds and Ends


Just wanted to drop you a line and share with you a couple of things of note. You might not find it interesting and if you don't, that's ok. I don't really care. Yeah, I said it.

Anna and I have decided what our first baby shall be named, if it is a boy. Are you ready? Ivan. That is a kick-ass name. For a boy or a girl, I think.

We have both decided (I think) to get new cars. Honda's got a new car out called the Fit. It drops around the Ides of March so we've got to wait a bit but I am very excited. It gets 56 miles to the gallon and retails for around $12,000. That is one sweet deal. I read somewhere that the hybridized version gets 84 mpg but they only sell that car in Japan. Dang the Japanese. They get all the cool shit. Not fair.

My buddy Jay told me a story that was hilarious. Unfortunately, I'm sworn to secrecy. Don't you hate that?! Why bother saying it if you can't tell, right? I love doing that to people. I'm making up for all the times that someone's done it to me.

I have discovered (and I use that term loosely) the best show ever. Wonder Showzen . Comes on MTV2. Honestly, I'm surprised that they air anything worth watching. I would have guessed that they would have followed in MTV's footsteps and shunned anything watchable long ago. I was dead wrong.

I'm not sure if you know anyone in law enforcement but if you do, could you do me a favor? Could you run some plates for me. I'm looking for the driver of a truck and his license plate number is TN GDD 644. I need to have a conversation with that guy and you're rich. Pull some strings for me. I'll be your BFF.

Talk to you soon,


Sunday, February 26, 2006

All Things Poop


How's it going brother? All's well here in Memphis. Spring is beginning to perk up after a long winter buried underground. But I'm not writing to talk to you about Spring. I wanted to say some things about poop that I've been keeping to myself for a while. My buddy Joey has a theory about poop. It's complicated and I don't want to go into details but, in a nutshell, he believes that if more people were comfortable talking about poop, the world would be a better place. I don't know if he has scientific data to back it up, but he's a sharp guy and I think that there's something to his theory. So, to that end...

He (or maybe it was Cara) said that he/she overheard a conversation on the streets of New York. A woman was on the phone and apparently, the person with whom she was speaking had to go to the bathroom-badly. In closing, she said "Alright, go shit, shitty". Frank talk about poop. Joe's theory, in action.

I talk about poop a lot. Maybe too much. However, I don't like to be graphic about it, so I have created a euphemism for the process that I believe softens the blow when I discuss it with strangers or coworkers. I refer to it as "seeing the doctor". I have taken the euphemism one step further and created a persona for my doctor. I call him Dr. Tu. He's an Indian fellow, maybe from Pakistan. I don't know because normally we don't discuss world affairs. Usually, when I see him, he's all business. So, in the future, when I refer to the doctor, it's probably Dr. Tu to whom I am referring.

I know that your kids are too old to appreciate this, but I saw a website the other day that made me believe that Joe's theory has spread to France...or at least to Canada. It's this site, aimed at children, that let's them pick out certain types of food, stick that food into a machine that's supposed to be your digestive system, and see what kind of poop that combination of food produces. If you should happen to visit, choose all McDonalds. That is one bad poop.

I pooped on Starbucks. Really, it was an accident. Ok, this is going to be confusing. I can't remember if this happened before or after my shoulder surgery, but not too long ago, I had to go see a real doctor (not Dr. Tu) about something shoulder-related. During the exam, I got a page from Dr. Tu-he wanted to let me know that he needed to see me right away about some tests that he'd done. I thought that I'd wait until I got home to see him-he does make house calls. Unfortunately, after I left the (real) doctor's office, I realized that I would not make it home. This was an emergency situation so I stopped at Starbucks. Thought that I would kill two birds with one stone. I walked in and quickly made my was to the restroom. I'll spare you the details but what took place in there was disturbing. It was as though I had been to Mexico and unknowingly drank lots and lots of water. So, I'll just say this-there was some leakage. After I was done. On the floor. Disgusting, I know. I can't go back there again. I can't-I won't.

That's it, I think. I was out walking Xander this morning and there was a couple out on the park bench talking to one another. As I approached, they started to make those sounds that indicated that they wanted to interact with the dog. I didn't want to stop so I just yelled, "Xander, make some poopy"! They laughed and I was able to make my escape. He did, shortly thereafter. Green poop. Awesome!

That's really it.

Take care and cherish the poop.