Neighbors

Dear Larry,

OK, Anna and I were outside smoking earlier. Not late-maybe 10:00 PM. She likes to sit on the steps leading to the apartments upstairs. I prefer to stand near my neighbors door. It's close to the steps for one so that I can have a normal conversation with the person sitting on the steps. Two, there's a very handy rail upon which I can sit my drink if I were to have one. Tonight I did not have a beverage but that is beside the point. So, we're talking about Anna's vacation time or something to do with her job and speaking in a pretty quiet tone as far as I could tell when we hear the door behind me unlock. Then, not surprisingly, the neighbor lady cracks the door about a half an inch and just peers out with her beady little crazy eyes for like 15 seconds. As soon as I realized that she wasn't going to say anything, and it was obvious that she was only doing this as some sort of attempt at intimidation, I turn back around to face Anna and we continue the conversation. She shuts the door and then promptly cracks it again, as if to get our attention-like we didn't hear it the first time. I glanced back rather nonchalantly, thinking that this time she might actually engage someone in conversation. She didn't. Instead, she puts on her clothes, calls the front office I believe, and steps out of her apartment. No eye contact. We overhear her clearly asking someone to send someone over to her apartment right away. I thought that it might have been the police but I guess that she didn't have the balls to do that. She walks out and gets in her car and drives off. Me and Anna, finished smoking at this point, head back inside to finish watching an excellent episode of 24. About 5 minutes later, I hear her (the neighbor) pulling her car back in and see that she is accompanied by the security guard because I've noticed the flashing yellow lights of his security pick-up truck. I don't know what they did out there but no one ever came to the door. I can only imagine that the security guard showed up and asked her what the problem was only to have her reply "There were people outside...and they were... (choking back the sobs of frustration) they were talking". I wonder what the security guy said. He has more patience than me. I want so badly to leave her a little note on her door. It would say "Dear Over-Reactor" and then something else, probably insulting. It may be too late for that though. And she's not really worth it. I think that it's a white thing with her. I hear other people talking loudly outside much later in the evening-I've even heard her come in late-and to my knowledge she hasn't said anything to anyone else. I wish that she would have come to the door tonight. I had a "Shove It" for her all cocked and loaded. It would have been so great to see the look on her face. Fucking neighbors.

Eight days until I move. I can't hardly wait.

WBS,

Paul

School Spirit

Dear Larry,

You know that I've sort of followed Steve Spurrier's career for the past 15 years or so. Well, maybe you didn't. In fact, you might not even know who that is but I needed to preface the content with this bit of information so that you would at least understand the context of this, my latest offering. He's a football coach and in my opinion, the greatest football coach that ever lived. He was at Florida for awhile and then he took a job with the Redskins and now he's back in the college ranks, this time with the South Carolina Gamecocks, which brings me to the point. I have recently discovered a coworker who shares my interest in this team; her because she is an alum and me obviously because I follow the coach. Not surprisingly, I just bumped into her out in the hallway at work and she looks at me and says, "Go, Cocks". I know that this won't be the last time that I hear it from her and I want to join in her enthusiasm but I can't with a straight face participate in her school chant for a couple of reasons. #1. The fact that an attractive woman has approached me only to say "Go Cocks" catches me off-guard every time that it happens. At that point, I'm stunned. I don't know what to say. My first instinct is to say yes and hope that this time, she's not talking about the football team but me instead. #2 If I say it, then it feels just a little too gay, I suppose. Not that there's anything wrong with that, right? I mean, it's not like I am opposed to cock or that I am cock-averse. I just prefer mine over any and all others, that's all. I don't think that makes me anti-gay by any means. And today's incident was the second time that it happened. I don't know what to do. I suppose that when I run in to her in the hallway and she says "Go Cocks", I'll just nod my head in support and continue about my business.

It is sort of liberating though, to be able to talk about cocks in the workplace without it being dirty or inappropriate. I think that were I comfortable with the whole thing, me and this woman could sit around and talk about cocks all day. But I think that in the end, I would feel a little icky...and maybe slightly aroused. And I can't have that at work.

That's all for now.

Paul