Wednesday, June 22, 2005



My man! My main man. How is it going? That's such a dumb greeting. Remind me never to say that again. I hear people say that to me sometimes and I want to tell them, "Pretty shitty, actually". Or, "Man am I horny" would be nice. In truth, most people say that and I want to punch them in their chipper faces and tell them to go fuck themselves in their asses. But mostly, I say that I'm doing ok. But if you ask me that, know that I want to hurt you.

So, I got an intern at work. Sort of. He's been hired for six weeks to help out while Angela is on maternity leave and Tim's out with a ruptured neck or something. He's just about to go off to college and he's in this for some extra money. I want him to do my job so that I have more time to surf the internet and read articles about zombie dogs. By the way, there are zombie dogs. Ask me how! So, Todd is there for the next couple of months and right off I have him cleaning out storage closets and throwing away shit that should have been thrown away ten years ago. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at my desk getting some much needed rest-from all of the delegating, you see. And I'm checking out this urban legend website because I notice that on this particular day, they are dealing with the urban legend about the girl that gets the coke bottle stuck up in her business-her lady business-and I remember that in high school, we had a story like that. I don't mean that I did, but I remember hearing about it only it was a hot dog and a glow stick. Two different stories. Both probably untrue. So I was eager to find out if the story was true. It turns out that many people have had many things stuck up their asses over the last 50 years. You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Ok, I'll tell you. This is a pretty fucking disturbing list:

A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3-1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2 jeweler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and much, much more.

I told you. And I just read where one guy who was feeling depressed, stuck a 6-inch paper tube into his rectum and then dropped in it a lighted fire cracker. As the kids say, he tore that ass up.

But that's all beside the point. I'm reading the story and at the end of the article, there's a link to another site on which one can find x-rays of all sorts of random shit that people have put in their asses. I'm reading this when Todd walks up behind me, ready for his next assignment. I wanted to close the window but couldn't. All I could do was smile and laugh. He had to have seen the title page. Rectal Foreign Bodies. It really stands out, doesn't it?

Todd needs a bell.

Be good. Stay out of trouble.