tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-112477832024-03-13T11:27:28.287-05:00Letters to LarryAn open letter to Larry DavidPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-90235581928780129402007-11-05T13:13:00.001-06:002007-11-05T13:13:56.745-06:00Dead To Me<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">This isn't the time nor the place to call out Stephen Colbert for stealing my ideas, but I did want to point out that I began a Dead-To-Me List back when it was unfashionable to do so. I was adding people to the list left and right all throughout my tumultuous twenties. A couple of years ago, when My Name is Earl premiered, I purged everyone from the list and decided that I'd be a little more thoughtful with regard to new additions. Like the novelty of MNIE, my maturity didn't last long. The list has since fluctuated between obesity and anorexia, depending on my particular mood. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Until Sunday, that is. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I decided to do the grocery shopping on Sunday, before the girls made it back from Mississippi. Forced to choose between exorbitant Miss Cordelias and sketchy Kroger on Cleveland, I chose the latter because of the savings that I would certainly reap with my Kroger Plus Card. As I approached the store, I noticed a down-trodden and quite possibly inebriated fellow urinating in the parking lot. I can't say that I was completely unsympathetic to his plight but I was disgusted nonetheless. I promptly informed the security guard on duty and began my shopping. However, a fellow lady shopper belched within earshot of me and I decided to cut and run. I sought out greener pastures at the Kroger in midtown. Smart move on my part. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Needless to say, Kroger at 1366 Poplar Ave. in Memphis, TN, you are Dead to Me.</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Hope everything is well in California. Your house didn't burn down in the Great Fire of 2007, did it? I hope not.</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul</FONT> </P> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-83929796274476180672007-07-25T13:12:00.000-05:002007-07-25T13:13:01.052-05:00Desperate Housewives<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I learned late yesterday afternoon that a coworker of mine has purchased, with American dollars, a real-life mail-order bride. Most of us here thought that John was a little creepy and now our suspicions are confirmed. Fortunately for all of us, in 2-4 weeks, he will be someone else's problem.</FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Interestingly, he is bragging about his latest purchase. If it were me, I would tell no one. Also, I would create an elaborate cover story and ensure that she learned it word for word before I introduced her to any of my friends or acquaintances. He PUZZLES me. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">This woman is from a country that ends in -stan but it's not Pakistan. It is a former Soviet bloc country. I am going to try very hard to secure a picture of this woman. I will keep you apprised of my progress.</FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul</FONT> </P> <BR> <BR> <BR> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-81809822757005506532007-07-24T15:00:00.001-05:002007-07-24T15:00:46.513-05:00Hell's Kitchen<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Do you watch Hell's Kitchen? Did you watch last night? Bonnie made an incredibly stupid blunder. At the end of dinner service last night, she was chosen to nominate two of her teammates for elimination. She chose Rock and Julia. Because she was the chef with the least experience, it was no surprise to me that Chef Ramsey asked Julia to leave. However, what Bonnie failed to realize was that with Julia gone, she (Bonnie) is now the least qualified for the position at the Green Valley Ranch. Had she nominated Rock and Jen, she would have at least eliminated one of her most serious competitors, and thus extended her stay on the program at least another week. But because of her foolhardy mistake, she has unwittingly sealed her own fate. Dumb, blonde Bonnie. Oh, how I wanted you to fare better.</FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">This is trivial, I know but it really bothered me that she made such a critical error. I don't know why. I stewed about it for maybe 10 minutes after the show was over. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">It's all moot anyway because Rock wins the contest. I believe that this is common knowledge. </FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I hope that I didn't RUIN it for you. </FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Be well,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul </FONT> </P> <BR> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-81329619321239557912007-07-23T15:36:00.001-05:002007-07-23T15:36:38.645-05:00a card for youA loved one, friend, admirer, or other computer user has sent you a card from someecards.com!<p><br>View card: <a href="http://www.someecards.com/upload/view_card.html?card_code=134a3f918f83ad9475f398f5e5f7b86d">http://www.someecards.com/upload/view_card.html?card_code=134a3f918f83ad9475f398f5e5f7b86d</a>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-51305261010073159962007-07-18T12:38:00.001-05:002007-07-18T12:38:40.635-05:00Wrong Number<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I just got a call from someone working at a local daycare that wanted to order one Large Pepperoni pizza. Despite my rather colloquial answer to the call and then subsequent stuttering in an attempt to understand why someone was calling me to order a pizza, the young lady persisted. She placed her order. I asked for her address and told her that it would be 20 to 30 minutes. I'll be honest with you-I've never felt so ALIVE! </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Kids shouldn't eat pizza anyway. Don't they know, it's bad for you? </FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Hope all is well.</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I should mention that we almost killed her new daughter after only 1 week of life. I will detail that experience at a later time. I am drunk with power at the moment and cannot concentrate. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul</FONT> </P> <BR> <BR> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-67100637119695701602007-07-10T00:00:00.000-05:002007-07-10T00:12:12.573-05:00Kicking and ScreamingLarry,<br /><br />Sorry I haven't kept you updated. I have been acclimating to a new and terrifying life. But I did want you to meet my number one gal.<br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='280' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwCyL0l0pwDn3S5XzuiOVY0B-zJQmoxrG6ef8NHGj5TbzyQWsaqjNIzGiD2BQsFUhuuZhO9Dk9kX_g' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br /><br />Larry, meet Lilly. <br /><br />Talk soon,<br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-31096767468598123072007-07-02T23:27:00.000-05:002007-07-02T23:33:59.039-05:00The Final CountdownLarry,<br /><br />This is it. We're off to the hospital in just a few short hours to deliver this god-forsaken baby. She, that's made our lives pretty miserable for the last eight months or so. We couldn't be more excited! Also, this just in...someone's getting an enema but I'm not at liberty to say who. Stand by for the results of the APGAR test. Research suggests that this is THE litmus test to determine whether or not a child will be successful in school and thus, in life. We are anxious to review the results. Until then, Lily's a size Micro. Please get her something appropriate for the season. <br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-21051424017748250822007-06-20T10:35:00.000-05:002007-06-20T10:36:05.158-05:00Out of Order<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Did I tell you that I witnessed a crime? No? Well then, let me tell you my tale. </FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">It was late one night, a couple of weeks ago. I was outside at midnight hoping to catch a glimpse of a falling star or some other astrological phenomenon when suddenly, a woman's cry pierced the night like a metal stud does a nubile woman's ear. Frightened, I peered out from behind my fence to see what was afoot and sure as I looked, I spied a group of 4 people standing around a car. Two men and two women were present, of this I was sure. From the woman's continued screams, I could tell that she was distressed. I ran inside hurriedly to call the police. They did not respond quickly. I remained on the phone with them for ten minutes giving them my location and alerting them to the obvious-one of the men was abusing one of the women. By the time I got off of the phone with the police dispatcher, I missed most of the action. In fact, my last glimpse of the fray was simply of a man peering out of an apartment door, obviously checking to see if the ruckus had coaxed anyone out of their homes. He then retreated inside and I waited for the police to come. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">The police showed up about 20 minutes after I had placed the call. A police officer came over to talk to me and then he approached, cautiously, the apartment in question. The abuser answered the door and was apparently sprayed with the pepper spray. Good job, police! They handcuffed him and as they led him to the cruiser, I brazenly yelled, "That's what you get for hitting a woman, B1TCH!" His head hung low so I don't think that I was spotted.<BR> <BR> After all of the excitement, the arresting office came to take my statement. I offered what I knew and kindly gave him my address and phone number, adding that I would be happy to testify should he be tried for anything. The officer insisted that the personal information was for the records only and that I wouldn't be bothered in the future. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">This was a lie. Don't get me wrong. I feel like it's my civic duty to testify however, I also feel that it's a police officer's responsibility to be honest with the citizenry. Maybe honesty is too much to ask. Still, I am thankful that they responded when they did. I could see how a domestic squabble might quickly get out of hand. I hope that the defendant spends some time behind bars although I fear that I will not be a very good witness for the prosecution. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I'll be at 201 Polar at 9:00 AM on the 27th of this month, being civic-minded. And because I have seen Dog Day Afternoon, you can expect a fiery testimonial from me regarding this heinous crime. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">To be continued…</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul</FONT> </P> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-69895123020707204612007-06-17T13:47:00.000-05:002007-07-02T23:35:57.603-05:00A Sign of Things to ComeLarry,<br /><br />Howdy, old friend. I heard through the grape vine that you and Laurie were splitting up. That's a shame. Really. I thought that if anyone could make, it would be you guys. I hope that you are well and aren't taking it too hard. Or maybe the rumor is a bunch of nonsense and there is absolutely no truth to those rumors. Which ever is true, I know that you'll soldier on. <br /><br />Depressing. <br /><br />Ok, so here's what's been going on in my life. <br /><br />Anna's getting close to having Lily. In fact, she's begun having contractions and they seem to be more frequent lately. We now believe that the projected due date of July 2nd is an overestimate. In fact, Anna feels like it could happen any day now. Exciting stuff for a first time parent. I know that you've already done all of this so I won't bore you with my excitement and anxiety. But it's happening soon. <br /><br />Also, I've decided that I want to be a pharmacist. Actually, Anna's father, Dan helped me decide that. I won't get into the conversation that we had about it. Nevertheless, I'm going back to school. I've got to take some prerequisites-nine to be exact. Then, I can take the PCAT, which is the Pharmacy school admissions test. Also, I'll have to apply to UT Memphis and get accepted. Then, I can start the 4 year program. So, lots of hurdles. But I'm taking Microbiology and Calculus this summer. Hopefully, I'll have the pre-reqs done in 2 years. So, if all goes according to plan, I should hold a Pharm D when I'm nearing 40. C'est la vie. <br /><br />Ah...we got a new family-oriented vehicle. A Honda CRV. It's nice. What else...<br /><br />I don't know. That's it really. We watched a good movie last night. Notes on a Scandal. Where was Cate Blanchette when I was in middle school? Despite my jealousy and incredulity, I enjoyed the movie. Dame Judy Dench is the bomb! Also, this just in-I am retarded.<br /><br />Ok, so I need to work on Calculus. I'm not enjoying that nearly as much as I am the Microbiology class but what are you going to do? <br /><br />We're registered at Baby's R Us if you want to get a gift for Little Lily. If not, I understand. You're busy with your own life. But a Prius would be nice. Forget I said anything. <br /><br />That's all I got. Take care of yourself. I'll check in with you again real soon. Hopefully, I can live blog the delivery. On the other hand, Anna might have other ideas. She has privacy issues. <br /><br />Later,<br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-31088592014492492042007-05-01T13:59:00.001-05:002007-05-01T13:59:49.467-05:00Grand Central<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I wanted to tell you about Grand Central. I've wanted to tell all my friends but seeing as how I don't have very many, it's been difficult. Anyway, this company does some exciting things with the phone. Basically, they want to give you a phone number that you'll have for life. You enter your area code and then they let you choose between several available numbers. Then, once you chosen the number that you want, you set up your account, attaching all of your current phone numbers-work, home, cell phone, to your account. Then, you let all of your contacts know that you have a new number. In the future, when someone calls the Grand Central number, all of your phones ring. So, no matter where you are, you get that very important phone call. But wait, there's more. There are tons of additional features. For example, when your phone rings, you'll hear a recorded voice announcing the caller and asking you if you want to accept or reject the call. But the lady also asks if you want to accept and record the incoming call. So, you can record your calls. Awesome! Also, you can upload your own ringback tone so that when someone calls you, they hear a song instead of a boring ring. Right now, if you called me, you'd hear Black Swan by Thom Yorke. That song rocks and the chorus is the best chorus that has ever been written since the dawn of man. That's pretty much a scientific fact.</FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Call me if you'd like to hear Thom or leave me a message.</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">901-562-0824</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Cheers,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul </FONT> </P> <BR> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-52996219836900869732007-05-01T13:05:00.000-05:002007-05-01T13:06:03.703-05:00Update<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Larry,</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">I realize that it's been months since I've written. To be fair though, you haven't written either. I refuse to feel guilty-life is too short. Are we good? Good. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Ok, here's what's been going on since December…</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">It's a girl! We've named her already. Lillian Beckett Little. If you want to go ahead and get her a monogrammed onesie, feel free. We're going to call her Lily. I may call her Beck or Becks or Freedom Robber. I suppose that it depends on my mood. She's named after no one in particular. I chose the middle name in homage to my favorite playwright. Anna got to choose the first name since I picked out the middle. I can't recall why she chose Lily. Maybe an homage to Kate from Lost but that doesn't make much sense. That's something that I would do. See our dog Xander, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.</FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Speaking of Xander…</FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Jorge, our Guatemalan painter, was over on Saturday to paint Lily's room-a soft pink, if you were wondering. At some point, I opened the door to her room to check on his progress when Xander darted in and immediately stepped in the paint pan. Anna and I freaked, which freaked Xander out. He ran down the hall getting pink paw prints all over the carpet, the stained concrete floor in our living room, and the faux leather coffee table. Not only that, but he had pink paint all over his paws and belly and tail. We took him to get groomed later that day. I think that Kim at Pet Vax may have clipped his junk because it's a little scraped up. But that's neither here nor there. </FONT></P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">What else? That's all I got for right now. I promised someone that I'd blog. </FONT> </P> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">Paul</FONT> </P> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-53988198841876153262007-04-30T13:20:00.001-05:002007-04-30T13:20:31.772-05:00test<!-- Converted from text/rtf format --> <P><FONT SIZE=2 FACE="Arial">This is only a test. Do not freak.</FONT> </P> <BR> Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-68155848887594604502006-12-13T23:43:00.000-06:002006-12-13T23:51:46.191-06:00Gummy Bear<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaNwP4SEvwy1gtsv4QVzTc-NMKCoNDPeNjkDjVgozJDXUk7TZxwlaEUeFYGrPUYd0zv1G1xoiK6q2xuz4loDPNdfuxlhjARmKZ9YGbsNDX2eyZocYeY9-tPNNVHDd2Kef-09HM/s1600-h/baby.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaNwP4SEvwy1gtsv4QVzTc-NMKCoNDPeNjkDjVgozJDXUk7TZxwlaEUeFYGrPUYd0zv1G1xoiK6q2xuz4loDPNdfuxlhjARmKZ9YGbsNDX2eyZocYeY9-tPNNVHDd2Kef-09HM/s200/baby.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5008255986850069106" /></a><br /><br />Larry,<br /><br />Look what we did on our honeymoon! I know that I told you already but I wanted to show you the very first picture that we have of our offspring. Mil says it looks like a gummy bear. She's also told us that we should get a t-shirt for the little guy/girl that says "Made In Costa Rica". Good idea for a baby shower gift. Joey called it a peanut. I'm thinking that there's something wrong with it's head. It's bulbous. It looks large to me. But I'm no doctor. We'll know more in 9 weeks-at least sex-wise. I'll be sure and drop you a line. <br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-37472440435117221092006-12-13T12:56:00.000-06:002006-12-13T23:42:55.419-06:00Old PeopleLarry,<br /><br />Good afternoon, sir. I hope that you are well on this fine December day. Me? Good. My fingers are cold. Nothing else. Just the fingers. Weird. <br /><br />Hey, I wanted to tell you a story. Actually, not really a story. Just an anecdote. Well, if an anecdote is a story, then by gosh, this is a story. Last night, I went to see Anna's grandparents at their retirement community. Anna's mom called me last week and asked me if I would go. Apparently, it's sort of a show and tell for the old people. The way Anna's mom put it, it was a chance for the old folks to show off their family members. I missed most of what she was talking about but when I heard "free food", I agreed to come, even though Anna would be out of town. Solo trips are typically not for me. But I thought that it might be fun so last night, I went. Here are some things of note that happened while I was there.<br /><br />1. I sat between Anna's mother and grandmother. While they talked, I shoved food in my mouth while at the same time moving plates so as to be out of range of the talk spittle. I took a couple of shots in the face, I'm sure. It was important for me to spare the food though. The face can be washed. Food-not so much. I'm sure I looked like a famished shell game grifter, sliding plates to and fro. <br /><br />2. Mary and I got our pictures taken by a photographer working for The Best of Times, a monthly newspaper for the over 50 crowd. After we posed for the camera and wrote our names down for the caption, should we make next month's edition, I turned and immediately wished I could have that picture back. Facing a mirrored wall, I noticed that one side of the collar lie inside of the blazer and one collar sat awkwardly outside the confines of the blazer's collar. Old people everywhere are going to think I'm a fool. NUTS!<br /><br />3. I decided to walk Mary out to her car. As we were headed out, we trailed a couple of young woman that we're also departing and as we moved from the lobby to the vestibule, I said, "I smell like Old People". You should have seen the look of horror and disgust on this girls face. It was awesome! I told her that I was only kidding. Sadly, I don't think that Mary heard it at all. Or else, she too was horrified. Maybe, that's the last event I get invited to without adult supervision. One can only hope. <br /><br />Actually, I had a very good time. It was a little painful watching the labored dancing of the septuagenarians, but I couldn't stop smiling and tapping my feet as I watched these old cats get jiggy to the Christmas music. Well, there was this one old lady that was all hunched over at the buffet and I was sure that she was going to drool into the cocktail sauce but I looked away. Actually, I looked away only to discover that a young girl nearby was alertly watching the exact same thing.<br /><br />So, to sum up: Good times. Old people are fun and they don't smell so bad afterall.<br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-70169480657340958942006-12-08T22:33:00.000-06:002006-12-08T22:49:14.567-06:00TVLarry,<br /><br />Hey, I don't know what kind of music you like but if you were ever curious about new music, I have a suggestion...<a href="http://www.tvontheradio.com/">tv on the radio</a>. They are, I've decided, the coolest band ever. Their sound is hard to describe but unforgettable once you've been subjected to it. And on their latest album, they're doing some things with white noise that I find very titilating. Return to Cookie Mountain, their new album, is great. It's all that I've been listening to for weeks now. In fact, at first I was in love with tracks 6 and 8. Over and over I would listen to them. I was so retarded back then. But then I realized that I loved all of the even tracks. So bizarre. What's even weirder than that is that I accidentally discovered only a week or so ago that I actually enjoyed the odd tracks better. Odd is better. Anyway, I thought that you might like a listen. <br /><br />I told my high school chum Kevin that I thought that he'd enjoy these guys. I wonder if he ever gave them a listen. People that don't listen to tv on the radio are the saddest people in the world. <br /><br />Happy Weekend.<br /><br />Paul<br /><br />Oh, here are those songs that I was telling you about earlier.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.mediamax.com/plittle75/Hosted/06%20A%20Method.mp3">Track 6: The Method</a><br /><a href="http://www.mediamax.com/plittle75/Hosted/08%20Dirtywhirl.mp3">Track 8: Dirtywhirl</a>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-69057903040194296992006-11-30T16:08:00.000-06:002006-12-13T23:53:27.694-06:00Jobs<P>Larry,</P> <P> </P> <P>How's it going, old timer? I'm doing well. Just wanted to say hello. Let you know about some exciting things happening in my little world. Or, should I say, "Little World"? That joke never gets old.</P> <P> </P> <P>Anna goes for her first ultra sound tomorrow. I think that I'm going to tag along to see what the baby looks like. I'm guessing that I won't be able to tell very much of anything but it will satisfy my curiosity. </P> <P> </P> <P>I got a Wii last week. It's Wii-ly fun. Although, I think that I pulled a muscle playing so much; (the bicep, if you were wondering).</P> <P> </P> <P>I think that Vietnam would have been a much more popular war had the turning point of said war been known as the Tit Offensive. It takes on a totally different meaning but, trust me, you would have loved it. </P> <P> </P> <P>I thought of a sketch for SNL or even for Studio 60. I call it Pagan Girls Gone Wild. It practically writes itself. Nothing hotter than a Goth Girl flashing (boobs) and slashing (throats of livestock). </P> <P> </P> <P>Oh, yeah. I'm thinking that I want to look for a new job. Not earnestly but in a very casual manner. I've made my resume public so maybe someone will happen along and find it and call me and offer me something that I will love. You can check it out <A title="my resume" href="http://docs.google.com/View?docid=ajdmv7m6c4jv_11g4md8m" target=blank_>here</A>. If you know anyone that's looking, send them my way. Not opposed to relocating. Places that I would consider: TiVo, Anheiser-Busch, ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, UPN, HBO, AOL/Time Warner, Victoria's Secret, Oprah. Actually, I'm pretty open at this point. </P> <P> </P> <P>So, not much of a point. Just wanted to say hello. </P> <P> </P> <P>Oh, I'm reading a book right now that I can't get anyone to agree to read after I'm finished. However, I think that it's great and everyone should have to read it at some point in their lives. It's called The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. A must-read. And I mean it-you MUST! It's about Atheism. </P> <P> </P> <P>Speaking of which, Anna and I had to drop by the grocery store on Sunday and pick up a couple of items. Actually, I went to the grocery store while Anna took a detour over to Hallmark. As I was entering Kroger, there were a group of ladies stationed in the lobby taking donations for something that felt church-related. I cut her off pretty quickly as she accosted me. "I'm an atheist", I said flatly as I sauntered by her. I've never seen someone look so horrified in my whole life. And I've done some horrible things. And I wasnt even serious. The Christians really have to lighten up a bit, I think.</P> <P> </P> <P>Finally, I quit smoking. What a relief. I never thought that I'd get that monkey off my back. Thanks, <A title=Chantix! href="http://www.webmd.com/content/article/126/116331.htm" target=blank_>Chantix!</A></P> <P> </P> <P>Talk soon,</P> <P> </P> <P>Paul</P> <P> </P> <P> </P> <P> </P>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-10124358446434693722006-11-17T16:21:00.000-06:002006-11-29T13:27:04.631-06:00Fridays<P>Larry,</P> <P> </P> <P>It's been too long. I've been prodded into writing by my persistent <A title=neighbors href="http://anotherworkingmom.blogspot.com/index.html" target=blank_>neighbors</A>. I gave in, reluctantly, even though you 1) did not show up for the wedding and 2) did not send a gift. Shame on you, sir. </P> <P> </P> <P>All is forgiven. I haven't much time but I did want to share a couple of things with you before I go home for the long-overdue weekend. </P> <P> </P> <P>Last night, I was preparing to see the doctor. You remember, <A title="Dr. Tu" href="http://letterstolarry.blogspot.com/2006/02/all-things-poop.html" target=blank_>Dr. Tu</A>, right? Anyway, I had stripped down to my boxers when I suddenly decided that I needed some water. So, I ran out into the living room and into the kitchen to snag a bottle from the fridge when the doorbell rang. I froze. The path from the kitchen to the bathroom is visible from the front door. So, I thought, I'll just dart through the living room and if they see me, then they see me. I ran back to the bedroom and put all my clothes back on, and then hustled to the front door to see who it was. It was 3 kids selling subscriptions to the <A title="Commercial Appeal" href="http://www.commercialappeal.com/">Commercial Appeal</A>, our local newspaper. They started in with their spiel and I said, in sort of a country accent, "Commercial Appeal? Is that like a religious cult?". They laughed and explained that it was, in fact, a newspaper and further, that by buying a subscription, I'd be helping one of them pay for college. I immediately informed them, after my little joke, that I wasn't interested in the tripe that they were selling but that I appreciated them asking. They, still reeling from my amazing little one act, thanked me for doing something out of the ordinary and making their visit to my place different. "Different", I said, "Did you just see me run through the house half-naked?" </P> <P> </P> <P>Silence. They left, hurriedly, mumbling things that I didn't want to hear. I sure know how to kill a party.</P> <P> </P> <P>Speaking of killing, I was cutting up a tomato the other night with an awesome <A title="cut your fingers off" href="http://www.cutco.com/jsp/home.jsp" target=blank_>Cutco</A> knife and I sliced my thumb up pretty bad. This is, by itself, uninteresting. However, today I was in the locker room, changing when I reopened the nasty laceration. It started to bleed profusely. I had one shoe on and one shoe off-I had just gotten out of the shower-so I hopped over to the paper towel dispenser to attempt to stop the bleeding. Just then Dave S. was getting out of the shower. I'm hopping around on one foot with blood dripping from my digits. So, naturally he asks what happened. And I said very calmly, "I cut myself...on purpose". You should have seen the look on his face. Priceless. </P> <P> </P> <P><A title=Self-mutilation href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-mutilation" target=blank_>Cutters</A> are fascinating, by the way. </P> <P> </P> <P>I've got some more stuff for you and I'll get it to you this weekend.</P> <P> </P> <P>Paul</P>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-10421164671954053762006-11-02T18:15:00.001-06:002006-11-29T13:27:55.655-06:00PositiveLarry,<br /><br />Guess what? Anna's pregnant! I know that it's customary to wait some time before telling people but I wanted you to know. You are the 7th person to know officially. I hope that we aren't tempting fate by spilling the beans early. Here's my chance to prove my theory about Karma. Basically, I think that I've done so much bad in my life, nothing good will ever happen to me ever again. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. And I didn't forget about you either. I'll be sending you some stuff about Costa Rica soon. Oh, and we've got the wedding pictures as well. You can take a gander at those <a href="http://picasaweb.google.com/plittle75/ALittleWeddingRehearsal">here</a>. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed being in them. Sarcasm, meet Larry. Larry, sarcasm. <br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-32686895793318034332006-10-24T12:49:00.000-05:002006-10-24T12:52:04.251-05:00GOP Candidate List for 2006--AZ-Sen: <a href="http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/Issues/2006-04-13/news/feature_full.html">Jon Kyl</a><Br><br />--AZ-01: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Rick_Renzi&printable=yes#Controversies">Rick Renzi</a><Br><br />--AZ-05: <a href="http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/local/articles/1022hayworth1022.html">J.D. Hayworth</a><Br><br />--CA-04: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Doolittle#Controversies">John Doolittle</a><Br><br />--CA-11: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Pombo#Controversies_and_criticisms">Richard Pombo</a><Br><br />--CA-50: <a href="http://www.kfmb.com/story.php?id=66505">Brian Bilbray</a><Br><br />--CO-04: <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/12054520/the_10_worst_congressmen/10">Marilyn Musgrave</a><Br><br />--CO-05: <a href="http://www.gazette.com/display.php?id=1322626&secid=1">Doug Lamborn</a><Br><br />--CO-07: <a href="http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/elections/article/0,2808,DRMN_24736_5063243,00.html">Rick O'Donnell</a><Br><br />--CT-04: <a href="http://www.connpost.com/news/ci_4509567">Christopher Shays</a><Br><br />--FL-13: <a href="http://www.bradenton.com/mld/bradenton/news/local/15422371.htm?source=rss&channel=bradenton_local">Vernon Buchanan</a><Br><br />--FL-16: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Foley_scandal">Joe Negron</a><br><br />--FL-22: <a href="http://www.usnews.com/usnews/politics/campaign_diary/florida/archive/2006/10/the_foley_scandal_affects_the.htm">Clay Shaw</a><br><br />--ID-01: <a href="http://www.summitdaily.com/article/20060923/NEWS/60923003">Bill Sali</a><Br><br />--IL-06: <a href="http://msnbc.msn.com/id/14988252/">Peter Roskam</a><Br><br />--IL-10: <a href="http://cbs2chicago.com/video/?id=25835@wbbm.dayport.com">Mark Kirk</a><Br><br />--IL-14: <a href="http://www.kcci.com/politics/10062284/detail.html">Dennis Hastert</a><Br><br />--IN-02: <a href="http://www.southbendtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060811/NEWS07/608110314">Chris Chocola</a><Br><br />--IN-08: <a href="http://www.courier-journal.com/localnews/2004/04/21ky/B1-host0421i0-7412.html">John Hostettler</a><Br><br />--IA-01: <a href="http://www.qctimes.net/articles/2005/12/09/news/local/doc439930283db6c088625962.txt">Mike Whalen</a><Br><br />--KS-02: <a href="http://cjonline.com/stories/102306/loc_ryunboyda1.shtml">Jim Ryun</a><br><br />--KY-03: <a href="http://www.courier-journal.com/localnews/2002/08/29/ke082902s267079.htm">Anne Northup</a><Br><br />--KY-04: <a href="http://www.kentucky.com/mld/kentucky/news/15533221.htm">Geoff Davis</a><Br><br />--MD-Sen: <a href="http://www.gazette.net/stories/021006/montsta130223_31925.shtml">Michael Steele</a><Br><br />--MN-01: <a href="http://www.hometown-pages.com/main.asp?SectionID=26&SubSectionID=186&ArticleID=12951&TM=48834.09">Gil Gutknecht</a><Br><br />--MN-06: <a href="http://citypages.com/databank/27/1348/article14760.asp">Michele Bachmann</a><Br><br />--MO-Sen: <a href="http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/politics/15174500.htm">Jim Talent</a><Br><br />--MT-Sen: <a href="http://www.billingsgazette.net/articles/2006/07/28/news/state/20-burns.txt">Conrad Burns</a><Br><br />--NV-03: <a href="http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/sun/2006/oct/22/566689009.html?porter">Jon Porter</a><Br><br />--NH-02: <a href="http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=Top+aide+to+Bass+resigns&articleId=b65bcd02-f478-4a6d-801a-9a12761c3786">Charlie Bass</a><Br><br />--NJ-07: <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A23714-2003Apr3?language=printer">Mike Ferguson</a><Br><br />--NM-01: <a href="http://www.rawstory.com/news/2006/Congresswoman_on_page_board_buried_file_1019.html">Heather Wilson</a><Br><br />--NY-03: <a href="http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/ny-usking0817,0,6911475,print.story?coll=ny-top-headlines">Peter King</a><Br><br />--NY-20: <a href="http://blogs.timesunion.com/capitol/?p=983">John Sweeney</a><Br><br />--NY-26: <a href="http://www.democratandchronicle.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061004/NEWS01/61004020/1002/NEWS">Tom Reynolds</a><Br><br />--NY-29: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Kuhl#Personal">Randy Kuhl</a><Br><br />--NC-08: <a href="http://www.newsobserver.com/291/story/254053.html">Robin Hayes</a><Br><br />--NC-11: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_H._Taylor#Controversies">Charles Taylor</a><Br><br />--OH-01: <a href="http://www.thehill.com/thehill/export/TheHill/News/Frontpage/091906/chabot.html">Steve Chabot</a><Br><br />--OH-02: <a href="http://www.wcpo.com/news/2006/local/10/11/murtha_schmidt.html">Jean Schmidt</a><Br><br />--OH-15: <a href="http://www.columbusdispatch.com/?story=217625">Deborah Pryce</a><Br><br />--OH-18: <a href="http://www.cleveland.com/news/plaindealer/index.ssf?/base/news/1161257895268090.xml&coll=2">Joy Padgett</a><Br><br />--PA-04: <a href="http://www.sharonherald.com/local/local_story_263230124.html?start:int=0">Melissa Hart</a><Br><br />--PA-07: <a href="http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/28-10162006-727801.html">Curt Weldon</a><Br><br />--PA-08: <a href="http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/111-01222006-601349.html">Mike Fitzpatrick</a><Br><br />--PA-10: <a href="http://www.timesleader.com/mld/timesleader/15646184.htm">Don Sherwood</a><Br><br />--RI-Sen: <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/05/AR2006080500823.html">Lincoln Chafee</a><br><br />--TN-Sen: <a href="http://www.knoxnews.com/kns/election/article/0,1406,KNS_630_5057450,00.html">Bob Corker</a><Br><br />--VA-Sen: <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/09/26/politics/main2039589.shtml">George Allen</a><Br><br />--VA-10: <a href="http://www.nationalcenter.org/PRJTHGWolfEarmark1006.html">Frank Wolf</a><Br><br />--WA-Sen: <a href="http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/283622_mcgavick02.html">Mike McGavick</a><br><br />--WA-08: <a href="http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/287797_reichertsideweb06.html">Dave Reichert</a><Br><br>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-1890984956233463942006-10-23T15:55:00.000-05:002006-10-24T12:36:07.096-05:00Payphone HacksLarry, <br /><br />I know that you are anxious to hear about the honeymoon in Costa Rica. Fear not, old friend. Several posts are forthcoming. <br /><br />Before I delve into the best honeymoon ever, I thought that I'd share with you my little stroll down memory lane. <br /><br />For some reason, yesterday I got to thinking about Didi Black. You don't know her. I worked with her at <a href="http://www.bennigans.com/">Bennigan's</a> (the worst restaurant chain on the planet Earth [and beyond]) and we quickly became friends. Honestly, I had a crush on her from the moment I met her. Alas, the feelings were not mutual so I pined from afar. And, at times, from very nearby. Regardless, she came to work one day and told me about a payphone hack that someone had told her about. She said that it had to be on a payphone with red on the exterior. You had to go to one of those payphones, call 1-800-Playtex, listen to a short message, and then the phone would disconnect. However, the disconnect would leave the line open, at which point you could make a long-distance call for free. I employed this method several times and was always rewarded. Thanks, Didi! <br /><br />So, yesterday I was bored and I called (from my work phone) 1-800-Platex to see if the message was still there and, much to my surprise, a man answered. I, caught off guard, asked for Playtex and was met with a very, very surly, "Try <a href="http://www.playtex.com">playtex.com</a>!" Apparently, Mr. 1-800-Playtex gets calls like this all the time. I guess he should have checked before he got that 800 number. <br /><br />More soon.<br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-1158548001924339632006-09-17T21:53:00.000-05:002006-09-17T21:53:21.930-05:00Evil Mom, continued<p>Larry,</p> <p>Today is your lucky day. I've got more exciting things to tell you about my very dull and uncomplicated life. <br><br>On Friday, I uncovered more evidence that my mother may be the devil.</p> <p>I was out walking Xander on Friday afternoon and I stopped by my mom's place to have a diet coke and talk with her a bit. She told me that she'd had a rough day at work. Playing the part of concerned son, I asked her for details. She's a nurse and she currently works for a company that provides home hospice care for people. For the past year, she's been caring for Judy, a mentally retarded woman. It sounds cool, I know. Sadly, Judy has the mental capacity of a 5 year old. This is problematic for my mother at times because Judy likes to play practical jokes, be disagreeable, and basically act like a child. Every day, my mom has to take Judy's vitals and document them. Friday, she was using a digital thermometer to take Judy's temperature. However, Judy was not cooperating. Normally, one inserts the thermometer under the tongue and then the instrument beeps when it has a reading. After 15 minutes without a beep, my mom questioned Judy. She didn't go into details but when I asked her what happened, she said that she basically tore Judy a new one. I think that she actually used those words. She said that after she had gone off on Judy for being difficult, Judy panicked and begged my mom to not forget to feed her. I listened, incredulous, as she told her tale. I believe that she was prepared to skip one of Judy's meals as punishment. </p> <p>As far as I know, she fed her anyway.</p> <p>Maybe she's not evil. </p> <p>Talk soon,</p> <p>Paul</p>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-1158547216347318292006-09-17T21:40:00.000-05:002006-09-17T21:40:16.400-05:00Desperation<p>Larry,</p> <p>Hey buddy. How the heck are you? It's been a while. I haven't had much going on but darn it if I can find the time to write you like I should. </p> <p>I am pathetic. I realize this on a daily basis. The story that I am about to tell you illustrates this point perfectly. </p> <p>Two weekends ago, Anna and I went out to dinner with Jen and Diego. It was a farewell dinner of sorts as Diego was leaving the country for six months. We went to Houston's. The food is great but what really impresses me about the joint is the waitstaff. They are meticulous. This makes for a really enjoyable dining experience. </p> <p>Anna and Jen ordered the Ahi Tuna. I ordered ribs. Big mistake. When our food arrived, I immediately asked Anna for a bite of her tuna. I immediately regretted ordering the ribs. That's what I get for going for portion over taste. So, I ate my ribs, all the while ruing the fact that I didn't get the tuna. Jen had eaten most of her tuna and when she passed Diego a piece of the tuna, I knew that she was probably getting full. With 2 pieces left on her plate, I was hopeful that they would soon be mine. Unfortunately, she polished off another piece and I was no longer sure that I'd be on the receiving end of her unwanted meat. With one piece of tuna left on her plate, she and Anna excused themselves and went into the bar for an after dinner smoke. Deigo and I chit-chatted sporadically in their absence. I was distracted by tuna. Suddenly, our waiter came by and reached down as if to take Jen's plate. With desperation in my voice, I exclaimed, "Don't take it! She's not finished!" He picked up her napkin and explained to me that he was just folding her napkin. I felt a little foolish, to say the least. </p> <p>When the girls returned, I slaked my tuna thirst with her seared meat and I tell you, my friend, it was heavenly. </p> <p>Pathetic. </p> <p>Happy Monday,</p> <p>Paul</p>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-1154527884367696422006-08-02T09:11:00.000-05:002006-08-14T23:52:44.030-05:00Timing is Everything<p>Larry, </p> <p></p> <p>Something's rotten in Denmark and by Denmark, I mean Memphis. I would like your opinion about something. I'm going to present you with a set of facts and then I want you to tell me what you think about what I've told you. Agreed? Let's begin: </p> <p></p> <p>Background: My mother is moving downtown. She's buying a house across the street. She will soon be a homeowner for the first time in her life. Pretty monumental. She has a dog named Pax (that's Latin for <em>Peace</em>). My mom's so smart she knows Latin. Respect. Pax is old. Maybe 11 or 12 which in dog years is probably 100. He's old; let's just leave it at that. </p> <p></p> <p><em><strong>Timeline</strong></em> </p> <p></p> <p>3 Months Ago: My mom asks me to buy some UrineBGone. Pax is getting old and becoming incontinent. This spray, that you can only order on the Internet, is going to help get rid of the stains and the odor (this is relevant, you'll see). </p> <p></p> <p>Last Week: My mom tells me not to tell Anna but that she doesn't know if she's going to bring Pax with her downtown. She said that there was a woman she knows that had expressed interest in taking Pax. Mom said that her neighbor said that she was looking for an older dog. My mom was hopeful that this woman would take Pax so that she wouldn't have to make any decision at all. </p> <p></p> <p>Last Week (Again, but this time later in the week): I asked her if she had decided what she was going to do about Pax. She said that she was still thinking about it. I told her that I supported her if she was going to give Pax away. I mean, I couldn't really believe that she would do it but I supported her decision. </p> <p></p> <p>Sunday: She comes by to visit Anna and I and to take us out to Starbucks. We have Frappucino's. Mom had the Vente. That's Italian for Gi-normous. Yes, my mom's a polyglot. </p> <p></p> <p>Monday: Nothing happened really. I mean, some stuff happened. Nothing pertinent here. </p> <p></p> <p>This morning: I was using this website <a title="Prank Calls Rule" href="http://www.jajah.com/" target="blank_">Jajah</a> to prank call my mom and brother. Basically, you enter 2 numbers and the service calls and then connects both numbers. You can do it for your number and your buddy's number, but it's even funner to do it to two different people and then listen in on the ensuing conversation. Of course, I couldn't listen to my mom and brother talk. But it was funny enough imagining their conversation: "Mom, why did you call me?" "John, why did <em>you</em> call <strong><em>me</em></strong>?" Hilarious. </p> <p></p> <p>This afternoon: I was working out when I got a call from my brother. We chit-chat for a minute and then he started telling me about the weird thing that had happened to him earlier in the day-namely, that he received a phone call from mom but it was weird because she thought that he called her and he thought that she called him. Like I said, hilarious. Anyway, he tells me that mom is crying because Pax was dead. That he hadn't been feeling well so she took him to the vet on Saturday and they euthanized his ass. We saw her on Sunday, by the way. I don't remember if I had mentioned that or not. She didn't say anything about Pax. </p> <p></p> <p>Apparently, she is a murderer with a heart of stone. </p> <p></p> <p>I told John that she hadn't been sure about bringing him with her downtown. We quickly put 2 and 2 together. </p> <p></p> <p>What do you think? Coincidence? You be the judge. </p> <p></p> <p>Talk soon, </p> <p></p> <p>Paul </p>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-1153333391475778662006-07-19T13:23:00.000-05:002006-07-19T14:50:55.783-05:00Ramblin' on my MindLarry,<br/><br/>Yesterday, I forgot to mention that part of my nightly ritual includes walking Xander for the last time. Add 15 to 30 minutes onto the already established 30 minutes and there’s a whopping hours worth of things that I have to do before I go to bed. <br/><br/>But that’s not what I was writing to you about. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I was writing. Maybe it’s just to vent. We’ll see where this takes us. <br/><br/>I’ve been invited to a Memphis Blogger Bash. Would it make me more or less nerdy if I were to attend? I think that I’ll wait to see what they are planning. Free food will likely be the deciding factor. <br/><br/>Did you read about the cat born with two faces? I heard about it last week and then Jen mentioned it yesterday. Fascinating! I saw the video of the little guy meowing and the coolest thing is that both mouths mew in unison. That’s entertainment. But then the story takes a tragic and most unappealing turn. The kitten’s master, a young boy, was asked what he wanted to name the genetic freak, and the kid responds, “Tiger”. Tiger? Tiger! The child must also be a mutant because the only name that one can give to a feline of this ilk is Two-Face. That’s it. You have to draw a line in the sand. I could possibly go with Janus but that’s a little obscure for a toddler. Two-Face. Anything else is unacceptable. I’m serious.<br/><br/>I’ve decided that “Have a great day” is unacceptable in polite conversation. Whether it’s bidding farewell to a friend or completing your conversation with a random customer service representative, this manner of saying goodbye is horrible. It puts entirely too much pressure on the receiver. I mean, I never have a great day-ever. I’ve had maybe 2 great days in my life. The day I was born. I would count that. Of course, I don’t remember it but to finally escape the warm, gooey, disgusting prison that was my mom’s womb, I think, must have been joyous, to say the least. On a scale from 1 to 10, most of my days are a 5…maybe a six if I had to leave work unexpectedly. Days off, depending on my agenda, are better. Even if I have to go get a cleaning at the dentist. Especially if I have to go get a cleaning at the dentist. That day is a solid 7. I don’t normally see 8 or 9 days. And a 10 would be a great day. So, when someone tells me to have a great day, they’ve done me a huge disservice. They’ve put an inordinate amount of pressure on me to do something that’s virtually impossible. Be asked to shoot a guest spot on the Spice Channel’s reality series <em>Who Wants to be a Pornstar</em>? That kind of thing is out of my control. <br/><br/>I wouldn’t do it, by the way. Too self-conscious. Talk about pressure. Imagine performing while a room full of people watch. Impossible. <br/><br/>Have an OK day,<br/><br/>Paul<br/><br/>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11247783.post-1153267486175871492006-07-18T19:04:00.000-05:002006-07-18T19:04:46.176-05:00RoutineLarry,<br /><br />How's it going? Long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear that a lot. I think that I'm allergic to obligations. Work, returning phone calls, writing to my bestest friends. Get's harder and harder every day. But, in the spirit of shunning work-related obligations, I thought that I'd drop you a line. How are you? How's the better half? Kids good, I hope. All is well on this side. Summer is killing me. It's so hot here. I've been hearing a lot about Global Warming in the news recently, and you know what? They might be on to something. <br /><br />This is the worst segue ever...<br /><br />I've got to figure out a way to reduce the amount of time I spend in preparation for sleep. I sleep very little as it is. Six hours, usually. I think that I may have figured out the problem. My routine. Far too complicated. Here's what goes down every night for me before bedtime:<br /><br />Neti Pot. Cleans out the sinuses. It's awesome. Trust me. I can't eliminate this. Never. (10 minutes)<br /><br />Shower. After a long day, I need this. I can probably cut it out when it cools off. But when it's 85 degrees at 9 PM, I'm going to sweat. And if I sweat, I gotta get clean. (5 minutes)<br /><br />Pre-brush rinse. (30 seconds) I do this for whitening purposes. <br /><br />Brush (3 minutes) Got to brush-every day, 3 times a day. If you don't have your teeth, you are essentially a hobo. No offense to people with fake teeth. I'm sure that some of you are very productive.<br /><br />Floss. I'm still working on my technique. This takes a little longer than I'd like. I start at the top, middle. Work my way back to one side. Then start at the back, on the same side. Take that all the way around. Then finish up the top row. (3 minutes)<br /><br />Post-floss rinse (30 seconds) In case there is any bleeding, which normally, there is not. <br /><br />Ok. That's maybe 30 minutes. Still, I feel like it takes longer. I think that I can trim that. I'm always looking for efficiencies.<br /><br />I hope that all is well.<br /><br />PaulPaulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11238159691620464967noreply@blogger.com0