The Importance of Being Jewish

Larry,

Howdy fella. I wanted to tell you this a while back but with the holidays and hepatitis and surgery, I never got around to it. I wish that I were Jewish. You know why? Because Christmas sucks. You know what sucks even worse than that? Christmas parties. Something bad happened to me at our office party this year and it felt like something that might happen to you...in the event that you weren't Jewish.

I attended my office Christmas party, mostly because there were prizes to be given away and of course, there was free food. I was reluctant but I went also because some of my work friends were going to be there and frankly, it was a better option than being stuck in the office. So, we ate and talked and soon after everyone had finished their meals, the games begun.

Every year we play the White Elephant game. It's the one where everyone brings a present and then people draw numbers to determine the order and then one person opens a present and the next person either gets to take that present or open another present. It goes on forever. This year, Brenda brought her little boy, AJ. About half-way through the game, AJ gets bored and decides that he's going to pass the time by helping people open up there presents. I drew a number somewhere near the end so when it was my turn, I went to the front of the room, quickly picked an unopened present and proceeded to open it. AJ, hovering near the present-staging area, immediately grabbed for my gift. I, channeling Adam Sandler as I often do, screamed (loudly), "Let me do it!" Big Mistake. He took off, ran for the protection of his mother, and cried like he had just been beaten with a bamboo cane. This went on for what seemed like 6 minutes. My fellow party-goers were furious, shocked, and appalled by my behavior. They scolded me and then demanded that I apologize to the little drama queen. I, of course, refused. This kid was like 5 so I knew that were I to apologize, he wouldn't really understand why I had done it or that I meant him no harm. Not to mention, I wasn't really sorry at all. This was just my attempt at taking the spotlight back from the little spotlight hog. My plan backfired. The worst thing about it was that, as the crying began to die down, he loudly scoffed "Stupid head" or some other such nonsense.

Crybaby. See where that gets you in life.

On a lighter note, that was only the first of two children that I made cry that day. Two-for-one. I rock!

So, I envy your Jewishness. If it weren't so difficult, I'd probably convert. But you guys probably wouldn't want me anyway.

Hope that you are enjoying this mild winter. There's snow on the ground in Memphis for the first time in ages. Actually, it's probably only been a year.

Talk to you soon,

Paul