All Things Poop

Larry,

How's it going brother? All's well here in Memphis. Spring is beginning to perk up after a long winter buried underground. But I'm not writing to talk to you about Spring. I wanted to say some things about poop that I've been keeping to myself for a while. My buddy Joey has a theory about poop. It's complicated and I don't want to go into details but, in a nutshell, he believes that if more people were comfortable talking about poop, the world would be a better place. I don't know if he has scientific data to back it up, but he's a sharp guy and I think that there's something to his theory. So, to that end...

He (or maybe it was Cara) said that he/she overheard a conversation on the streets of New York. A woman was on the phone and apparently, the person with whom she was speaking had to go to the bathroom-badly. In closing, she said "Alright, go shit, shitty". Frank talk about poop. Joe's theory, in action.

I talk about poop a lot. Maybe too much. However, I don't like to be graphic about it, so I have created a euphemism for the process that I believe softens the blow when I discuss it with strangers or coworkers. I refer to it as "seeing the doctor". I have taken the euphemism one step further and created a persona for my doctor. I call him Dr. Tu. He's an Indian fellow, maybe from Pakistan. I don't know because normally we don't discuss world affairs. Usually, when I see him, he's all business. So, in the future, when I refer to the doctor, it's probably Dr. Tu to whom I am referring.

I know that your kids are too old to appreciate this, but I saw a website the other day that made me believe that Joe's theory has spread to France...or at least to Canada. It's this site, aimed at children, that let's them pick out certain types of food, stick that food into a machine that's supposed to be your digestive system, and see what kind of poop that combination of food produces. If you should happen to visit, choose all McDonalds. That is one bad poop.

I pooped on Starbucks. Really, it was an accident. Ok, this is going to be confusing. I can't remember if this happened before or after my shoulder surgery, but not too long ago, I had to go see a real doctor (not Dr. Tu) about something shoulder-related. During the exam, I got a page from Dr. Tu-he wanted to let me know that he needed to see me right away about some tests that he'd done. I thought that I'd wait until I got home to see him-he does make house calls. Unfortunately, after I left the (real) doctor's office, I realized that I would not make it home. This was an emergency situation so I stopped at Starbucks. Thought that I would kill two birds with one stone. I walked in and quickly made my was to the restroom. I'll spare you the details but what took place in there was disturbing. It was as though I had been to Mexico and unknowingly drank lots and lots of water. So, I'll just say this-there was some leakage. After I was done. On the floor. Disgusting, I know. I can't go back there again. I can't-I won't.

That's it, I think. I was out walking Xander this morning and there was a couple out on the park bench talking to one another. As I approached, they started to make those sounds that indicated that they wanted to interact with the dog. I didn't want to stop so I just yelled, "Xander, make some poopy"! They laughed and I was able to make my escape. He did, shortly thereafter. Green poop. Awesome!

That's really it.

Take care and cherish the poop.

Paul