Layla and the Relationship that Never Was (Update)

Larry,

What’s up buddy? I thought that I’d invite you over to www.uptownyak.com if you’d like to talk to me or any of my neighbors live and in person (sort of). We’re having a good time. Please note my tribute to Patrick Swayze and the awesome icon that represents the best movie that never got made.

And since I said that I’d have something original for you, I thought that I’d share this tidbit. My brother’s dating a girl named Layla and I thought about it for quite a while, I decided that I could never, ever date anyone named Layla. Technically, I’m barred from dating anyone indefinitely but I’m still trying to find a loophole for that rule. But I realized almost as soon as John told me her name, that if I were dating a Layla, not necessarily his, but any Layla, it would be impossible for me to go day without working Eric Clapton’s ballad into the conversation. I don’t think that it could be done. And this poses a multitude of problems but for the sake of brevity, I’ll only mention two.

First, she has no doubt heard this song a thousand times from people that thought they were being original or funny. She, I imagined, detests that song with every fiber of her being. I asked John and this is a point of fact. Layla hates Layla. Having said that, any references to that song would be out. So, if we were sitting at home one night and I found myself entertaining the idea of a snack, I couldn’t just turn to her and say (sung to the tune of Layla, of course), “Layla, would you make a sammich please. Layla, I want an extra slice of cheese, Layla”. I’m guessing that I wouldn’t get that sandwich that I so desperately needed. This poses a problem for both her and I. She’s pissed because I asked her a sandwich using the Layla song that she hates and I’m pissy because not only am I hungry, but I have to make the sandwich myself. I’ve given this a lot of thought, more probably than you could imagine, but I won’t do anymore situational examples. They get tiring.

Second, conversations between Layla and I, would be slow to evolve and perhaps even a little stilted. I believe that if she’d ask me a question, I would have to take a minute to see if there was any way I could work in the Layla song to my response. Then there’s a whole rhyming issue that I’d have to work out. What rhymes with chores? Bores, floors, doors, whores…You get the idea. Conversations would move like honey. All in all, it’d be a burden on us both.

So, John, I will not be stealing your lady. The possibility of our relationship is fraught with perils, aplenty. Rest easy, brother.

Hope that you’re doing well. See you on the Yak.

Paul    

Update: Just had an interesting conversation with my brother. I told him that I had written about Layla on the blog and he naturally inquired about the subject matter. I explained to him the gist of my letter and he said, “You want to have kids soon, right?” I said that, in fact, I did. He then told me that it would be pretty hard to care for my kids when I’m face-up in a casket.

There goes your Christmas present, assface.

Warning to all: Do not try to date, woo, court, or flirt with Layla or you may find that you meet with an unfortunate accident. Or, perhaps she needs a tattoo on her backside that states, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here”. I get the message, brother.

Paul