Dead To Me

Larry,

This isn't the time nor the place to call out Stephen Colbert for stealing my ideas, but I did want to point out that I began a Dead-To-Me List back when it was unfashionable to do so. I was adding people to the list left and right all throughout my tumultuous twenties. A couple of years ago, when My Name is Earl premiered, I purged everyone from the list and decided that I'd be a little more thoughtful with regard to new additions. Like the novelty of MNIE, my maturity didn't last long. The list has since fluctuated between obesity and anorexia, depending on my particular mood. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Until Sunday, that is.

I decided to do the grocery shopping on Sunday, before the girls made it back from Mississippi. Forced to choose between exorbitant Miss Cordelias and sketchy Kroger on Cleveland, I chose the latter because of the savings that I would certainly reap with my Kroger Plus Card. As I approached the store, I noticed a down-trodden and quite possibly inebriated fellow urinating in the parking lot. I can't say that I was completely unsympathetic to his plight but I was disgusted nonetheless. I promptly informed the security guard on duty and began my shopping. However, a fellow lady shopper belched within earshot of me and I decided to cut and run. I sought out greener pastures at the Kroger in midtown. Smart move on my part.

Needless to say, Kroger at 1366 Poplar Ave. in Memphis, TN, you are Dead to Me.

Hope everything is well in California. Your house didn't burn down in the Great Fire of 2007, did it? I hope not.

Paul

Desperate Housewives

Larry,

I learned late yesterday afternoon that a coworker of mine has purchased, with American dollars, a real-life mail-order bride. Most of us here thought that John was a little creepy and now our suspicions are confirmed. Fortunately for all of us, in 2-4 weeks, he will be someone else's problem.

Interestingly, he is bragging about his latest purchase. If it were me, I would tell no one. Also, I would create an elaborate cover story and ensure that she learned it word for word before I introduced her to any of my friends or acquaintances. He PUZZLES me. 

This woman is from a country that ends in -stan but it's not Pakistan. It is a former Soviet bloc country. I am going to try very hard to secure a picture of this woman. I will keep you apprised of my progress.

Paul

Hell's Kitchen

Larry,

Do you watch Hell's Kitchen? Did you watch last night? Bonnie made an incredibly stupid blunder. At the end of dinner service last night, she was chosen to nominate two of her teammates for elimination. She chose Rock and Julia. Because she was the chef with the least experience, it was no surprise to me that Chef Ramsey asked Julia to leave. However, what Bonnie failed to realize was that with Julia gone, she (Bonnie) is now the least qualified for the position at the Green Valley Ranch. Had she nominated Rock and Jen, she would have at least eliminated one of her most serious competitors, and thus extended her stay on the program at least another week. But because of her foolhardy mistake, she has unwittingly sealed her own fate. Dumb, blonde Bonnie. Oh, how I wanted you to fare better.

This is trivial, I know but it really bothered me that she made such a critical error. I don't know why. I stewed about it for maybe 10 minutes after the show was over.

It's all moot anyway because Rock wins the contest. I believe that this is common knowledge.

I hope that I didn't RUIN it for you.

Be well,

Paul 

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Wrong Number

Larry,

I just got a call from someone working at a local daycare that wanted to order one Large Pepperoni pizza. Despite my rather colloquial answer to the call and then subsequent stuttering in an attempt to understand why someone was calling me to order a pizza, the young lady persisted. She placed her order. I asked for her address and told her that it would be 20 to 30 minutes. I'll be honest with you-I've never felt so ALIVE!

Kids shouldn't eat pizza anyway. Don't they know, it's bad for you?

Hope all is well.

I should mention that we almost killed her new daughter after only 1 week of life. I will detail that experience at a later time. I am drunk with power at the moment and cannot concentrate.

Paul

Kicking and Screaming

Larry,

Sorry I haven't kept you updated. I have been acclimating to a new and terrifying life. But I did want you to meet my number one gal.



Larry, meet Lilly.

Talk soon,

Paul

The Final Countdown

Larry,

This is it. We're off to the hospital in just a few short hours to deliver this god-forsaken baby. She, that's made our lives pretty miserable for the last eight months or so. We couldn't be more excited! Also, this just in...someone's getting an enema but I'm not at liberty to say who. Stand by for the results of the APGAR test. Research suggests that this is THE litmus test to determine whether or not a child will be successful in school and thus, in life. We are anxious to review the results. Until then, Lily's a size Micro. Please get her something appropriate for the season.

Paul

Out of Order

Larry,

Did I tell you that I witnessed a crime? No? Well then, let me tell you my tale.

It was late one night, a couple of weeks ago. I was outside at midnight hoping to catch a glimpse of a falling star or some other astrological phenomenon when suddenly, a woman's cry pierced the night like a metal stud does a nubile woman's ear. Frightened, I peered out from behind my fence to see what was afoot and sure as I looked, I spied a group of 4 people standing around a car. Two men and two women were present, of this I was sure. From the woman's continued screams, I could tell that she was distressed. I ran inside hurriedly to call the police. They did not respond quickly. I remained on the phone with them for ten minutes giving them my location and alerting them to the obvious-one of the men was abusing one of the women. By the time I got off of the phone with the police dispatcher, I missed most of the action. In fact, my last glimpse of the fray was simply of a man peering out of an apartment door, obviously checking to see if the ruckus had coaxed anyone out of their homes. He then retreated inside and I waited for the police to come.

The police showed up about 20 minutes after I had placed the call. A police officer came over to talk to me and then he approached, cautiously, the apartment in question. The abuser answered the door and was apparently sprayed with the pepper spray. Good job, police! They handcuffed him and as they led him to the cruiser, I brazenly yelled, "That's what you get for hitting a woman, B1TCH!" His head hung low so I don't think that I was spotted.

After all of the excitement, the arresting office came to take my statement. I offered what I knew and kindly gave him my address and phone number, adding that I would be happy to testify should he be tried for anything. The officer insisted that the personal information was for the records only and that I wouldn't be bothered in the future.

This was a lie. Don't get me wrong. I feel like it's my civic duty to testify however, I also feel that it's a police officer's responsibility to be honest with the citizenry. Maybe honesty is too much to ask. Still, I am thankful that they responded when they did. I could see how a domestic squabble might quickly get out of hand. I hope that the defendant spends some time behind bars although I fear that I will not be a very good witness for the prosecution.

I'll be at 201 Polar at 9:00 AM on the 27th of this month, being civic-minded. And because I have seen Dog Day Afternoon, you can expect a fiery testimonial from me regarding this heinous crime.

To be continued…

Paul

A Sign of Things to Come

Larry,

Howdy, old friend. I heard through the grape vine that you and Laurie were splitting up. That's a shame. Really. I thought that if anyone could make, it would be you guys. I hope that you are well and aren't taking it too hard. Or maybe the rumor is a bunch of nonsense and there is absolutely no truth to those rumors. Which ever is true, I know that you'll soldier on.

Depressing.

Ok, so here's what's been going on in my life.

Anna's getting close to having Lily. In fact, she's begun having contractions and they seem to be more frequent lately. We now believe that the projected due date of July 2nd is an overestimate. In fact, Anna feels like it could happen any day now. Exciting stuff for a first time parent. I know that you've already done all of this so I won't bore you with my excitement and anxiety. But it's happening soon.

Also, I've decided that I want to be a pharmacist. Actually, Anna's father, Dan helped me decide that. I won't get into the conversation that we had about it. Nevertheless, I'm going back to school. I've got to take some prerequisites-nine to be exact. Then, I can take the PCAT, which is the Pharmacy school admissions test. Also, I'll have to apply to UT Memphis and get accepted. Then, I can start the 4 year program. So, lots of hurdles. But I'm taking Microbiology and Calculus this summer. Hopefully, I'll have the pre-reqs done in 2 years. So, if all goes according to plan, I should hold a Pharm D when I'm nearing 40. C'est la vie.

Ah...we got a new family-oriented vehicle. A Honda CRV. It's nice. What else...

I don't know. That's it really. We watched a good movie last night. Notes on a Scandal. Where was Cate Blanchette when I was in middle school? Despite my jealousy and incredulity, I enjoyed the movie. Dame Judy Dench is the bomb! Also, this just in-I am retarded.

Ok, so I need to work on Calculus. I'm not enjoying that nearly as much as I am the Microbiology class but what are you going to do?

We're registered at Baby's R Us if you want to get a gift for Little Lily. If not, I understand. You're busy with your own life. But a Prius would be nice. Forget I said anything.

That's all I got. Take care of yourself. I'll check in with you again real soon. Hopefully, I can live blog the delivery. On the other hand, Anna might have other ideas. She has privacy issues.

Later,

Paul

Grand Central

Larry,

I wanted to tell you about Grand Central. I've wanted to tell all my friends but seeing as how I don't have very many, it's been difficult. Anyway, this company does some exciting things with the phone. Basically, they want to give you a phone number that you'll have for life. You enter your area code and then they let you choose between several available numbers. Then, once you chosen the number that you want, you set up your account, attaching all of your current phone numbers-work, home, cell phone, to your account. Then, you let all of your contacts know that you have a new number. In the future, when someone calls the Grand Central number, all of your phones ring. So, no matter where you are, you get that very important phone call. But wait, there's more. There are tons of additional features. For example, when your phone rings, you'll hear a recorded voice announcing the caller and asking you if you want to accept or reject the call. But the lady also asks if you want to accept and record the incoming call. So, you can record your calls. Awesome! Also, you can upload your own ringback tone so that when someone calls you, they hear a song instead of a boring ring. Right now, if you called me, you'd hear Black Swan by Thom Yorke. That song rocks and the chorus is the best chorus that has ever been written since the dawn of man. That's pretty much a scientific fact.

Call me if you'd like to hear Thom or leave me a message.

901-562-0824

Cheers,

Paul

Update

Larry,

I realize that it's been months since I've written. To be fair though, you haven't written either. I refuse to feel guilty-life is too short. Are we good? Good.

Ok, here's what's been going on since December…

It's a girl! We've named her already. Lillian Beckett Little. If you want to go ahead and get her a monogrammed onesie, feel free. We're going to call her Lily. I may call her Beck or Becks or Freedom Robber. I suppose that it depends on my mood. She's named after no one in particular. I chose the middle name in homage to my favorite playwright. Anna got to choose the first name since I picked out the middle. I can't recall why she chose Lily. Maybe an homage to Kate from Lost but that doesn't make much sense. That's something that I would do. See our dog Xander, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.

Speaking of Xander…

Jorge, our Guatemalan painter, was over on Saturday to paint Lily's room-a soft pink, if you were wondering. At some point, I opened the door to her room to check on his progress when Xander darted in and immediately stepped in the paint pan. Anna and I freaked, which freaked Xander out. He ran down the hall getting pink paw prints all over the carpet, the stained concrete floor in our living room, and the faux leather coffee table. Not only that, but he had pink paint all over his paws and belly and tail. We took him to get groomed later that day. I think that Kim at Pet Vax may have clipped his junk because it's a little scraped up. But that's neither here nor there.

What else? That's all I got for right now. I promised someone that I'd blog.

Paul

test

This is only a test. Do not freak.

Gummy Bear

Larry,

Look what we did on our honeymoon! I know that I told you already but I wanted to show you the very first picture that we have of our offspring. Mil says it looks like a gummy bear. She's also told us that we should get a t-shirt for the little guy/girl that says "Made In Costa Rica". Good idea for a baby shower gift. Joey called it a peanut. I'm thinking that there's something wrong with it's head. It's bulbous. It looks large to me. But I'm no doctor. We'll know more in 9 weeks-at least sex-wise. I'll be sure and drop you a line.

Paul

Old People

Larry,

Good afternoon, sir. I hope that you are well on this fine December day. Me? Good. My fingers are cold. Nothing else. Just the fingers. Weird.

Hey, I wanted to tell you a story. Actually, not really a story. Just an anecdote. Well, if an anecdote is a story, then by gosh, this is a story. Last night, I went to see Anna's grandparents at their retirement community. Anna's mom called me last week and asked me if I would go. Apparently, it's sort of a show and tell for the old people. The way Anna's mom put it, it was a chance for the old folks to show off their family members. I missed most of what she was talking about but when I heard "free food", I agreed to come, even though Anna would be out of town. Solo trips are typically not for me. But I thought that it might be fun so last night, I went. Here are some things of note that happened while I was there.

1. I sat between Anna's mother and grandmother. While they talked, I shoved food in my mouth while at the same time moving plates so as to be out of range of the talk spittle. I took a couple of shots in the face, I'm sure. It was important for me to spare the food though. The face can be washed. Food-not so much. I'm sure I looked like a famished shell game grifter, sliding plates to and fro.

2. Mary and I got our pictures taken by a photographer working for The Best of Times, a monthly newspaper for the over 50 crowd. After we posed for the camera and wrote our names down for the caption, should we make next month's edition, I turned and immediately wished I could have that picture back. Facing a mirrored wall, I noticed that one side of the collar lie inside of the blazer and one collar sat awkwardly outside the confines of the blazer's collar. Old people everywhere are going to think I'm a fool. NUTS!

3. I decided to walk Mary out to her car. As we were headed out, we trailed a couple of young woman that we're also departing and as we moved from the lobby to the vestibule, I said, "I smell like Old People". You should have seen the look of horror and disgust on this girls face. It was awesome! I told her that I was only kidding. Sadly, I don't think that Mary heard it at all. Or else, she too was horrified. Maybe, that's the last event I get invited to without adult supervision. One can only hope.

Actually, I had a very good time. It was a little painful watching the labored dancing of the septuagenarians, but I couldn't stop smiling and tapping my feet as I watched these old cats get jiggy to the Christmas music. Well, there was this one old lady that was all hunched over at the buffet and I was sure that she was going to drool into the cocktail sauce but I looked away. Actually, I looked away only to discover that a young girl nearby was alertly watching the exact same thing.

So, to sum up: Good times. Old people are fun and they don't smell so bad afterall.

Paul

TV

Larry,

Hey, I don't know what kind of music you like but if you were ever curious about new music, I have a suggestion...tv on the radio. They are, I've decided, the coolest band ever. Their sound is hard to describe but unforgettable once you've been subjected to it. And on their latest album, they're doing some things with white noise that I find very titilating. Return to Cookie Mountain, their new album, is great. It's all that I've been listening to for weeks now. In fact, at first I was in love with tracks 6 and 8. Over and over I would listen to them. I was so retarded back then. But then I realized that I loved all of the even tracks. So bizarre. What's even weirder than that is that I accidentally discovered only a week or so ago that I actually enjoyed the odd tracks better. Odd is better. Anyway, I thought that you might like a listen.

I told my high school chum Kevin that I thought that he'd enjoy these guys. I wonder if he ever gave them a listen. People that don't listen to tv on the radio are the saddest people in the world.

Happy Weekend.

Paul

Oh, here are those songs that I was telling you about earlier.

Track 6: The Method
Track 8: Dirtywhirl

Jobs

Larry,

How's it going, old timer? I'm doing well. Just wanted to say hello. Let you know about some exciting things happening in my little world. Or, should I say, "Little World"? That joke never gets old.

Anna goes for her first ultra sound tomorrow. I think that I'm going to tag along to see what the baby looks like. I'm guessing that I won't be able to tell very much of anything but it will satisfy my curiosity.

I got a Wii last week. It's Wii-ly fun. Although, I think that I pulled a muscle playing so much; (the bicep, if you were wondering).

I think that Vietnam would have been a much more popular war had the turning point of said war been known as the Tit Offensive. It takes on a totally different meaning but, trust me, you would have loved it.

I thought of a sketch for SNL or even for Studio 60. I call it Pagan Girls Gone Wild. It practically writes itself. Nothing hotter than a Goth Girl flashing (boobs) and slashing (throats of livestock).

Oh, yeah. I'm thinking that I want to look for a new job. Not earnestly but in a very casual manner. I've made my resume public so maybe someone will happen along and find it and call me and offer me something that I will love. You can check it out here. If you know anyone that's looking, send them my way. Not opposed to relocating. Places that I would consider: TiVo, Anheiser-Busch, ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, UPN, HBO, AOL/Time Warner, Victoria's Secret, Oprah. Actually, I'm pretty open at this point.

So, not much of a point. Just wanted to say hello.

Oh, I'm reading a book right now that I can't get anyone to agree to read after I'm finished. However, I think that it's great and everyone should have to read it at some point in their lives. It's called The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. A must-read. And I mean it-you MUST! It's about Atheism.

Speaking of which, Anna and I had to drop by the grocery store on Sunday and pick up a couple of items. Actually, I went to the grocery store while Anna took a detour over to Hallmark. As I was entering Kroger, there were a group of ladies stationed in the lobby taking donations for something that felt church-related. I cut her off pretty quickly as she accosted me. "I'm an atheist", I said flatly as I sauntered by her. I've never seen someone look so horrified in my whole life. And I've done some horrible things. And I wasnt even serious. The Christians really have to lighten up a bit, I think.

Finally, I quit smoking. What a relief. I never thought that I'd get that monkey off my back. Thanks, Chantix!

Talk soon,

Paul

Fridays

Larry,

It's been too long. I've been prodded into writing by my persistent neighbors. I gave in, reluctantly, even though you 1) did not show up for the wedding and 2) did not send a gift. Shame on you, sir.

All is forgiven. I haven't much time but I did want to share a couple of things with you before I go home for the long-overdue weekend.

Last night, I was preparing to see the doctor. You remember, Dr. Tu, right? Anyway, I had stripped down to my boxers when I suddenly decided that I needed some water. So, I ran out into the living room and into the kitchen to snag a bottle from the fridge when the doorbell rang. I froze. The path from the kitchen to the bathroom is visible from the front door. So, I thought, I'll just dart through the living room and if they see me, then they see me. I ran back to the bedroom and put all my clothes back on, and then hustled to the front door to see who it was. It was 3 kids selling subscriptions to the Commercial Appeal, our local newspaper. They started in with their spiel and I said, in sort of a country accent, "Commercial Appeal? Is that like a religious cult?". They laughed and explained that it was, in fact, a newspaper and further, that by buying a subscription, I'd be helping one of them pay for college. I immediately informed them, after my little joke, that I wasn't interested in the tripe that they were selling but that I appreciated them asking. They, still reeling from my amazing little one act, thanked me for doing something out of the ordinary and making their visit to my place different. "Different", I said, "Did you just see me run through the house half-naked?"

Silence. They left, hurriedly, mumbling things that I didn't want to hear. I sure know how to kill a party.

Speaking of killing, I was cutting up a tomato the other night with an awesome Cutco knife and I sliced my thumb up pretty bad. This is, by itself, uninteresting. However, today I was in the locker room, changing when I reopened the nasty laceration. It started to bleed profusely. I had one shoe on and one shoe off-I had just gotten out of the shower-so I hopped over to the paper towel dispenser to attempt to stop the bleeding. Just then Dave S. was getting out of the shower. I'm hopping around on one foot with blood dripping from my digits. So, naturally he asks what happened. And I said very calmly, "I cut myself...on purpose". You should have seen the look on his face. Priceless.

Cutters are fascinating, by the way.

I've got some more stuff for you and I'll get it to you this weekend.

Paul

Positive

Larry,

Guess what? Anna's pregnant! I know that it's customary to wait some time before telling people but I wanted you to know. You are the 7th person to know officially. I hope that we aren't tempting fate by spilling the beans early. Here's my chance to prove my theory about Karma. Basically, I think that I've done so much bad in my life, nothing good will ever happen to me ever again. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. And I didn't forget about you either. I'll be sending you some stuff about Costa Rica soon. Oh, and we've got the wedding pictures as well. You can take a gander at those here. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed being in them. Sarcasm, meet Larry. Larry, sarcasm.

Paul

GOP Candidate List for 2006

--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Payphone Hacks

Larry,

I know that you are anxious to hear about the honeymoon in Costa Rica. Fear not, old friend. Several posts are forthcoming.

Before I delve into the best honeymoon ever, I thought that I'd share with you my little stroll down memory lane.

For some reason, yesterday I got to thinking about Didi Black. You don't know her. I worked with her at Bennigan's (the worst restaurant chain on the planet Earth [and beyond]) and we quickly became friends. Honestly, I had a crush on her from the moment I met her. Alas, the feelings were not mutual so I pined from afar. And, at times, from very nearby. Regardless, she came to work one day and told me about a payphone hack that someone had told her about. She said that it had to be on a payphone with red on the exterior. You had to go to one of those payphones, call 1-800-Playtex, listen to a short message, and then the phone would disconnect. However, the disconnect would leave the line open, at which point you could make a long-distance call for free. I employed this method several times and was always rewarded. Thanks, Didi!

So, yesterday I was bored and I called (from my work phone) 1-800-Platex to see if the message was still there and, much to my surprise, a man answered. I, caught off guard, asked for Playtex and was met with a very, very surly, "Try playtex.com!" Apparently, Mr. 1-800-Playtex gets calls like this all the time. I guess he should have checked before he got that 800 number.

More soon.

Paul