Jobs

Larry,

How's it going, old timer? I'm doing well. Just wanted to say hello. Let you know about some exciting things happening in my little world. Or, should I say, "Little World"? That joke never gets old.

Anna goes for her first ultra sound tomorrow. I think that I'm going to tag along to see what the baby looks like. I'm guessing that I won't be able to tell very much of anything but it will satisfy my curiosity.

I got a Wii last week. It's Wii-ly fun. Although, I think that I pulled a muscle playing so much; (the bicep, if you were wondering).

I think that Vietnam would have been a much more popular war had the turning point of said war been known as the Tit Offensive. It takes on a totally different meaning but, trust me, you would have loved it.

I thought of a sketch for SNL or even for Studio 60. I call it Pagan Girls Gone Wild. It practically writes itself. Nothing hotter than a Goth Girl flashing (boobs) and slashing (throats of livestock).

Oh, yeah. I'm thinking that I want to look for a new job. Not earnestly but in a very casual manner. I've made my resume public so maybe someone will happen along and find it and call me and offer me something that I will love. You can check it out here. If you know anyone that's looking, send them my way. Not opposed to relocating. Places that I would consider: TiVo, Anheiser-Busch, ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, UPN, HBO, AOL/Time Warner, Victoria's Secret, Oprah. Actually, I'm pretty open at this point.

So, not much of a point. Just wanted to say hello.

Oh, I'm reading a book right now that I can't get anyone to agree to read after I'm finished. However, I think that it's great and everyone should have to read it at some point in their lives. It's called The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. A must-read. And I mean it-you MUST! It's about Atheism.

Speaking of which, Anna and I had to drop by the grocery store on Sunday and pick up a couple of items. Actually, I went to the grocery store while Anna took a detour over to Hallmark. As I was entering Kroger, there were a group of ladies stationed in the lobby taking donations for something that felt church-related. I cut her off pretty quickly as she accosted me. "I'm an atheist", I said flatly as I sauntered by her. I've never seen someone look so horrified in my whole life. And I've done some horrible things. And I wasnt even serious. The Christians really have to lighten up a bit, I think.

Finally, I quit smoking. What a relief. I never thought that I'd get that monkey off my back. Thanks, Chantix!

Talk soon,

Paul

Fridays

Larry,

It's been too long. I've been prodded into writing by my persistent neighbors. I gave in, reluctantly, even though you 1) did not show up for the wedding and 2) did not send a gift. Shame on you, sir.

All is forgiven. I haven't much time but I did want to share a couple of things with you before I go home for the long-overdue weekend.

Last night, I was preparing to see the doctor. You remember, Dr. Tu, right? Anyway, I had stripped down to my boxers when I suddenly decided that I needed some water. So, I ran out into the living room and into the kitchen to snag a bottle from the fridge when the doorbell rang. I froze. The path from the kitchen to the bathroom is visible from the front door. So, I thought, I'll just dart through the living room and if they see me, then they see me. I ran back to the bedroom and put all my clothes back on, and then hustled to the front door to see who it was. It was 3 kids selling subscriptions to the Commercial Appeal, our local newspaper. They started in with their spiel and I said, in sort of a country accent, "Commercial Appeal? Is that like a religious cult?". They laughed and explained that it was, in fact, a newspaper and further, that by buying a subscription, I'd be helping one of them pay for college. I immediately informed them, after my little joke, that I wasn't interested in the tripe that they were selling but that I appreciated them asking. They, still reeling from my amazing little one act, thanked me for doing something out of the ordinary and making their visit to my place different. "Different", I said, "Did you just see me run through the house half-naked?"

Silence. They left, hurriedly, mumbling things that I didn't want to hear. I sure know how to kill a party.

Speaking of killing, I was cutting up a tomato the other night with an awesome Cutco knife and I sliced my thumb up pretty bad. This is, by itself, uninteresting. However, today I was in the locker room, changing when I reopened the nasty laceration. It started to bleed profusely. I had one shoe on and one shoe off-I had just gotten out of the shower-so I hopped over to the paper towel dispenser to attempt to stop the bleeding. Just then Dave S. was getting out of the shower. I'm hopping around on one foot with blood dripping from my digits. So, naturally he asks what happened. And I said very calmly, "I cut myself...on purpose". You should have seen the look on his face. Priceless.

Cutters are fascinating, by the way.

I've got some more stuff for you and I'll get it to you this weekend.

Paul

Positive

Larry,

Guess what? Anna's pregnant! I know that it's customary to wait some time before telling people but I wanted you to know. You are the 7th person to know officially. I hope that we aren't tempting fate by spilling the beans early. Here's my chance to prove my theory about Karma. Basically, I think that I've done so much bad in my life, nothing good will ever happen to me ever again. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. And I didn't forget about you either. I'll be sending you some stuff about Costa Rica soon. Oh, and we've got the wedding pictures as well. You can take a gander at those here. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed being in them. Sarcasm, meet Larry. Larry, sarcasm.

Paul

GOP Candidate List for 2006

--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Payphone Hacks

Larry,

I know that you are anxious to hear about the honeymoon in Costa Rica. Fear not, old friend. Several posts are forthcoming.

Before I delve into the best honeymoon ever, I thought that I'd share with you my little stroll down memory lane.

For some reason, yesterday I got to thinking about Didi Black. You don't know her. I worked with her at Bennigan's (the worst restaurant chain on the planet Earth [and beyond]) and we quickly became friends. Honestly, I had a crush on her from the moment I met her. Alas, the feelings were not mutual so I pined from afar. And, at times, from very nearby. Regardless, she came to work one day and told me about a payphone hack that someone had told her about. She said that it had to be on a payphone with red on the exterior. You had to go to one of those payphones, call 1-800-Playtex, listen to a short message, and then the phone would disconnect. However, the disconnect would leave the line open, at which point you could make a long-distance call for free. I employed this method several times and was always rewarded. Thanks, Didi!

So, yesterday I was bored and I called (from my work phone) 1-800-Platex to see if the message was still there and, much to my surprise, a man answered. I, caught off guard, asked for Playtex and was met with a very, very surly, "Try playtex.com!" Apparently, Mr. 1-800-Playtex gets calls like this all the time. I guess he should have checked before he got that 800 number.

More soon.

Paul

Evil Mom, continued

Larry,

Today is your lucky day. I've got more exciting things to tell you about my very dull and uncomplicated life.

On Friday, I uncovered more evidence that my mother may be the devil.

I was out walking Xander on Friday afternoon and I stopped by my mom's place to have a diet coke and talk with her a bit. She told me that she'd had a rough day at work. Playing the part of concerned son, I asked her for details. She's a nurse and she currently works for a company that provides home hospice care for people. For the past year, she's been caring for Judy, a mentally retarded woman. It sounds cool, I know. Sadly, Judy has the mental capacity of a 5 year old. This is problematic for my mother at times because Judy likes to play practical jokes, be disagreeable, and basically act like a child. Every day, my mom has to take Judy's vitals and document them. Friday, she was using a digital thermometer to take Judy's temperature. However, Judy was not cooperating. Normally, one inserts the thermometer under the tongue and then the instrument beeps when it has a reading. After 15 minutes without a beep, my mom questioned Judy. She didn't go into details but when I asked her what happened, she said that she basically tore Judy a new one. I think that she actually used those words. She said that after she had gone off on Judy for being difficult, Judy panicked and begged my mom to not forget to feed her. I listened, incredulous, as she told her tale. I believe that she was prepared to skip one of Judy's meals as punishment.

As far as I know, she fed her anyway.

Maybe she's not evil.

Talk soon,

Paul

Desperation

Larry,

Hey buddy. How the heck are you? It's been a while. I haven't had much going on but darn it if I can find the time to write you like I should.

I am pathetic. I realize this on a daily basis. The story that I am about to tell you illustrates this point perfectly.

Two weekends ago, Anna and I went out to dinner with Jen and Diego. It was a farewell dinner of sorts as Diego was leaving the country for six months. We went to Houston's. The food is great but what really impresses me about the joint is the waitstaff. They are meticulous. This makes for a really enjoyable dining experience.

Anna and Jen ordered the Ahi Tuna. I ordered ribs. Big mistake. When our food arrived, I immediately asked Anna for a bite of her tuna. I immediately regretted ordering the ribs. That's what I get for going for portion over taste. So, I ate my ribs, all the while ruing the fact that I didn't get the tuna. Jen had eaten most of her tuna and when she passed Diego a piece of the tuna, I knew that she was probably getting full. With 2 pieces left on her plate, I was hopeful that they would soon be mine. Unfortunately, she polished off another piece and I was no longer sure that I'd be on the receiving end of her unwanted meat. With one piece of tuna left on her plate, she and Anna excused themselves and went into the bar for an after dinner smoke. Deigo and I chit-chatted sporadically in their absence. I was distracted by tuna. Suddenly, our waiter came by and reached down as if to take Jen's plate. With desperation in my voice, I exclaimed, "Don't take it! She's not finished!" He picked up her napkin and explained to me that he was just folding her napkin. I felt a little foolish, to say the least.

When the girls returned, I slaked my tuna thirst with her seared meat and I tell you, my friend, it was heavenly.

Pathetic.

Happy Monday,

Paul

Timing is Everything

Larry,

Something's rotten in Denmark and by Denmark, I mean Memphis. I would like your opinion about something. I'm going to present you with a set of facts and then I want you to tell me what you think about what I've told you. Agreed? Let's begin:

Background: My mother is moving downtown. She's buying a house across the street. She will soon be a homeowner for the first time in her life. Pretty monumental. She has a dog named Pax (that's Latin for Peace). My mom's so smart she knows Latin. Respect. Pax is old. Maybe 11 or 12 which in dog years is probably 100. He's old; let's just leave it at that.

Timeline

3 Months Ago: My mom asks me to buy some UrineBGone. Pax is getting old and becoming incontinent. This spray, that you can only order on the Internet, is going to help get rid of the stains and the odor (this is relevant, you'll see).

Last Week: My mom tells me not to tell Anna but that she doesn't know if she's going to bring Pax with her downtown. She said that there was a woman she knows that had expressed interest in taking Pax. Mom said that her neighbor said that she was looking for an older dog. My mom was hopeful that this woman would take Pax so that she wouldn't have to make any decision at all.

Last Week (Again, but this time later in the week): I asked her if she had decided what she was going to do about Pax. She said that she was still thinking about it. I told her that I supported her if she was going to give Pax away. I mean, I couldn't really believe that she would do it but I supported her decision.

Sunday: She comes by to visit Anna and I and to take us out to Starbucks. We have Frappucino's. Mom had the Vente. That's Italian for Gi-normous. Yes, my mom's a polyglot.

Monday: Nothing happened really. I mean, some stuff happened. Nothing pertinent here.

This morning: I was using this website Jajah to prank call my mom and brother. Basically, you enter 2 numbers and the service calls and then connects both numbers. You can do it for your number and your buddy's number, but it's even funner to do it to two different people and then listen in on the ensuing conversation. Of course, I couldn't listen to my mom and brother talk. But it was funny enough imagining their conversation: "Mom, why did you call me?" "John, why did you call me?" Hilarious.

This afternoon: I was working out when I got a call from my brother. We chit-chat for a minute and then he started telling me about the weird thing that had happened to him earlier in the day-namely, that he received a phone call from mom but it was weird because she thought that he called her and he thought that she called him. Like I said, hilarious. Anyway, he tells me that mom is crying because Pax was dead. That he hadn't been feeling well so she took him to the vet on Saturday and they euthanized his ass. We saw her on Sunday, by the way. I don't remember if I had mentioned that or not. She didn't say anything about Pax.

Apparently, she is a murderer with a heart of stone.

I told John that she hadn't been sure about bringing him with her downtown. We quickly put 2 and 2 together.

What do you think? Coincidence? You be the judge.

Talk soon,

Paul

Ramblin' on my Mind

Larry,

Yesterday, I forgot to mention that part of my nightly ritual includes walking Xander for the last time. Add 15 to 30 minutes onto the already established 30 minutes and there’s a whopping hours worth of things that I have to do before I go to bed.

But that’s not what I was writing to you about. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I was writing. Maybe it’s just to vent. We’ll see where this takes us.

I’ve been invited to a Memphis Blogger Bash. Would it make me more or less nerdy if I were to attend? I think that I’ll wait to see what they are planning. Free food will likely be the deciding factor.

Did you read about the cat born with two faces? I heard about it last week and then Jen mentioned it yesterday. Fascinating! I saw the video of the little guy meowing and the coolest thing is that both mouths mew in unison. That’s entertainment. But then the story takes a tragic and most unappealing turn. The kitten’s master, a young boy, was asked what he wanted to name the genetic freak, and the kid responds, “Tiger”. Tiger? Tiger! The child must also be a mutant because the only name that one can give to a feline of this ilk is Two-Face. That’s it. You have to draw a line in the sand. I could possibly go with Janus but that’s a little obscure for a toddler. Two-Face. Anything else is unacceptable. I’m serious.

I’ve decided that “Have a great day” is unacceptable in polite conversation. Whether it’s bidding farewell to a friend or completing your conversation with a random customer service representative, this manner of saying goodbye is horrible. It puts entirely too much pressure on the receiver. I mean, I never have a great day-ever. I’ve had maybe 2 great days in my life. The day I was born. I would count that. Of course, I don’t remember it but to finally escape the warm, gooey, disgusting prison that was my mom’s womb, I think, must have been joyous, to say the least. On a scale from 1 to 10, most of my days are a 5…maybe a six if I had to leave work unexpectedly. Days off, depending on my agenda, are better. Even if I have to go get a cleaning at the dentist. Especially if I have to go get a cleaning at the dentist. That day is a solid 7. I don’t normally see 8 or 9 days. And a 10 would be a great day. So, when someone tells me to have a great day, they’ve done me a huge disservice. They’ve put an inordinate amount of pressure on me to do something that’s virtually impossible. Be asked to shoot a guest spot on the Spice Channel’s reality series Who Wants to be a Pornstar? That kind of thing is out of my control.

I wouldn’t do it, by the way. Too self-conscious. Talk about pressure. Imagine performing while a room full of people watch. Impossible.

Have an OK day,

Paul

Routine

Larry,

How's it going? Long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear that a lot. I think that I'm allergic to obligations. Work, returning phone calls, writing to my bestest friends. Get's harder and harder every day. But, in the spirit of shunning work-related obligations, I thought that I'd drop you a line. How are you? How's the better half? Kids good, I hope. All is well on this side. Summer is killing me. It's so hot here. I've been hearing a lot about Global Warming in the news recently, and you know what? They might be on to something.

This is the worst segue ever...

I've got to figure out a way to reduce the amount of time I spend in preparation for sleep. I sleep very little as it is. Six hours, usually. I think that I may have figured out the problem. My routine. Far too complicated. Here's what goes down every night for me before bedtime:

Neti Pot. Cleans out the sinuses. It's awesome. Trust me. I can't eliminate this. Never. (10 minutes)

Shower. After a long day, I need this. I can probably cut it out when it cools off. But when it's 85 degrees at 9 PM, I'm going to sweat. And if I sweat, I gotta get clean. (5 minutes)

Pre-brush rinse. (30 seconds) I do this for whitening purposes.

Brush (3 minutes) Got to brush-every day, 3 times a day. If you don't have your teeth, you are essentially a hobo. No offense to people with fake teeth. I'm sure that some of you are very productive.

Floss. I'm still working on my technique. This takes a little longer than I'd like. I start at the top, middle. Work my way back to one side. Then start at the back, on the same side. Take that all the way around. Then finish up the top row. (3 minutes)

Post-floss rinse (30 seconds) In case there is any bleeding, which normally, there is not.

Ok. That's maybe 30 minutes. Still, I feel like it takes longer. I think that I can trim that. I'm always looking for efficiencies.

I hope that all is well.

Paul