Routine

Larry,

How's it going? Long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear that a lot. I think that I'm allergic to obligations. Work, returning phone calls, writing to my bestest friends. Get's harder and harder every day. But, in the spirit of shunning work-related obligations, I thought that I'd drop you a line. How are you? How's the better half? Kids good, I hope. All is well on this side. Summer is killing me. It's so hot here. I've been hearing a lot about Global Warming in the news recently, and you know what? They might be on to something.

This is the worst segue ever...

I've got to figure out a way to reduce the amount of time I spend in preparation for sleep. I sleep very little as it is. Six hours, usually. I think that I may have figured out the problem. My routine. Far too complicated. Here's what goes down every night for me before bedtime:

Neti Pot. Cleans out the sinuses. It's awesome. Trust me. I can't eliminate this. Never. (10 minutes)

Shower. After a long day, I need this. I can probably cut it out when it cools off. But when it's 85 degrees at 9 PM, I'm going to sweat. And if I sweat, I gotta get clean. (5 minutes)

Pre-brush rinse. (30 seconds) I do this for whitening purposes.

Brush (3 minutes) Got to brush-every day, 3 times a day. If you don't have your teeth, you are essentially a hobo. No offense to people with fake teeth. I'm sure that some of you are very productive.

Floss. I'm still working on my technique. This takes a little longer than I'd like. I start at the top, middle. Work my way back to one side. Then start at the back, on the same side. Take that all the way around. Then finish up the top row. (3 minutes)

Post-floss rinse (30 seconds) In case there is any bleeding, which normally, there is not.

Ok. That's maybe 30 minutes. Still, I feel like it takes longer. I think that I can trim that. I'm always looking for efficiencies.

I hope that all is well.

Paul

Getting Head

Larry,

How’s it going, old timer? I’ve got a wicked headache right now that’s preventing me from concentrating on just about anything. Do you watch Jeopardy? Do you know who Ken Jennings is? He’s selling a big foam likeness of his head on eBay. I just bid on it! If I win, and I doubt that I will, this will be the best $10.00 that I ever did spend.

Take care of yourself and stay classy.

Paul

Update: I wrote this yesterday and then forgot that the picture of Ken’s giant head embedded in the letter wouldn’t show up on the blog without some trickeration on my part. So, follow the link to see it.

Also, I was outbid in a matter of minutes. Currently, the highest bid is $207.50. Too rich for my blood. Proceeds go to Cancer. I didn’t know that Cancer was broke but it has apparently fallen on hard times. Wait, that’s the American Cancer Society. My fault.

Layla and the Relationship that Never Was (Update)

Larry,

What’s up buddy? I thought that I’d invite you over to www.uptownyak.com if you’d like to talk to me or any of my neighbors live and in person (sort of). We’re having a good time. Please note my tribute to Patrick Swayze and the awesome icon that represents the best movie that never got made.

And since I said that I’d have something original for you, I thought that I’d share this tidbit. My brother’s dating a girl named Layla and I thought about it for quite a while, I decided that I could never, ever date anyone named Layla. Technically, I’m barred from dating anyone indefinitely but I’m still trying to find a loophole for that rule. But I realized almost as soon as John told me her name, that if I were dating a Layla, not necessarily his, but any Layla, it would be impossible for me to go day without working Eric Clapton’s ballad into the conversation. I don’t think that it could be done. And this poses a multitude of problems but for the sake of brevity, I’ll only mention two.

First, she has no doubt heard this song a thousand times from people that thought they were being original or funny. She, I imagined, detests that song with every fiber of her being. I asked John and this is a point of fact. Layla hates Layla. Having said that, any references to that song would be out. So, if we were sitting at home one night and I found myself entertaining the idea of a snack, I couldn’t just turn to her and say (sung to the tune of Layla, of course), “Layla, would you make a sammich please. Layla, I want an extra slice of cheese, Layla”. I’m guessing that I wouldn’t get that sandwich that I so desperately needed. This poses a problem for both her and I. She’s pissed because I asked her a sandwich using the Layla song that she hates and I’m pissy because not only am I hungry, but I have to make the sandwich myself. I’ve given this a lot of thought, more probably than you could imagine, but I won’t do anymore situational examples. They get tiring.

Second, conversations between Layla and I, would be slow to evolve and perhaps even a little stilted. I believe that if she’d ask me a question, I would have to take a minute to see if there was any way I could work in the Layla song to my response. Then there’s a whole rhyming issue that I’d have to work out. What rhymes with chores? Bores, floors, doors, whores…You get the idea. Conversations would move like honey. All in all, it’d be a burden on us both.

So, John, I will not be stealing your lady. The possibility of our relationship is fraught with perils, aplenty. Rest easy, brother.

Hope that you’re doing well. See you on the Yak.

Paul    

Update: Just had an interesting conversation with my brother. I told him that I had written about Layla on the blog and he naturally inquired about the subject matter. I explained to him the gist of my letter and he said, “You want to have kids soon, right?” I said that, in fact, I did. He then told me that it would be pretty hard to care for my kids when I’m face-up in a casket.

There goes your Christmas present, assface.

Warning to all: Do not try to date, woo, court, or flirt with Layla or you may find that you meet with an unfortunate accident. Or, perhaps she needs a tattoo on her backside that states, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here”. I get the message, brother.

Paul

The Funny

Larry,

I haven't the time nor the energy to be witty or clever or amusing at the moment. I have instead elected to go to bed a bit early. However, I wanted to let you know about this guy who's blog I stumbled upon today via TV Squad. In particular, read this piece about Follow-Up Calls. It might begin slow, but the denouement is phenomenal.

Beware afraid. Be very afraid...for Rapebear lurks in darkness waiting for his next victim-or the bus-or his next victim which is a bus. Just read it.

I'll be back with some original stuff in a day or two.

Paul

Pedicure

Larry,

How goes it with you? Good weekend, I presume? Just wanted to tell you about my very first pedicure. A little too intimate, if you ask me. I mean, this Asian lady made love to my feet and calves with her soft, but firm, hands. It was pleasurable, for sure, but at the same time, difficult to enjoy. The problem, I think, was that I wasn’t sure exactly how much I was supposed to enjoy it. I had to distract myself a little so as not to enjoy it too much because I could definitely felt that I was on the verge of enjoying immensely.

Another thing that really prevented me from enjoying it as much as I should have was that this was not a typical business transaction, or at least, not one that I’m used to anyway. It’s rare that I receive a massage from the barista at Starbucks, although that might be nice, depending on who serves you. All in all, the experience was a bit askew.

Anna was pleased that I accompanied her and she didn’t have any problems relaxing and enjoying the pampering. The Asian lady and her daughter were tickled that I decided to participate in the pedicure though. They giggled and asked me if I was certain that I wanted to get them painted. Are you wondering what color I painted them? Black, of course. It goes perfect with my soul.

Plus, I read in Glamor (while waiting for my toes to dry), that black is the new white.

More soon,

Paul  

Pickles

Larry,

I know that it's been awhile. What can I say in my defense. Not jack. I'm just lazy, plain and simple. I did just find something that might amuse you. Over at Boing Boing, they pointed me over to You Tube to watch a clip from the Maury Povich show. Pretty funny but it's got to be fake. How can anyone be afraid of pickles? Clowns, I get. Heck, I'm afraid of bugs, snakes, heights, public speaking, balloons popping, anything with the capacity to fly-the list goes on. Pickles? Outrageous!

I feel better about myself after having seen that.

I hope that you are well. Much more about my weekend is forthcoming.

Paul

Oh, mother

Larry,

Just wanted to check in with you and let you know that I'll be out of town through Tuesday of next week. Have a happy weekend. I'll be taking my notebook with me to make note of anything, well...noteworthy. I might also send you a little message via Audioblogger. I'd explain that but I doubt you'd understand, what with you being old and all. You'll see.

I wanted to at least share one story with you but I'm afraid that my time is up. We have to leave now if we're going to make the pontoon tour. Long story.

Take care,

Paul

McNightmares

Larry,

It’s been a long time. So much has changed. I’m a bigger man; steadfast and sure-footed. Actually, sure-footedness is one of my special powers. I have many but no more that I wish to share at the moment. I did want to share this with you. I had to go to Wally World on my lunch break to pick up some groceries. This bastion of consumerism might as well be the weekly meeting place for the Bottom Feeders of America. I feel unclean having spent 20 horrifying minutes there. My visit was capped off by one of the most disgusting displays I have ever bore witness to in all my 31 years. The “family” (old woman, older woman, dirt child) in front of me were settling up with the cashier as I waited, my skin crawling with Mart mites. The trio had grabbed some McDonalds (conveniently located at the rear of the store) for some shop-snacking. Dirt Kid grabs his McBurger from the basket and begins to inspect it before shoveling it in his mouth. He pulls the top bun off to check out his McMeat and suddenly, the patty and one of the buns plummets to the ground. That’s not the sick part. He is not quick enough to exercise the 5 second rule but lazily picks up his fallen comrades after 8 (maybe 10) seconds, pieces his burger back together and proceeds to eat the hamburger with such relish that I was for a fleeting moment, envious. Then I threw up in my mouth a little and carried out my transaction, partially in shock.

I am afraid that I can never return and that I shall be forever haunted by this McMemory.

How are you? I saw your interview with Ricky Gervais. Good stuff.

Talk to you soon,

Paul

Let Me Clear My Throat

Larry David,

What's up? Me? Kickin' it, Fuzzy Navel style. I ran out of beers and had to dip into Anna's peach schnapps. That's not a euphemism for vagina, either.

Nothing makes a man feel gayer than having to drink peach schnapps. Except having his balls licked by a gay guy. That would be gayer, I suppose.

Anyway, I know that if me and Anna ever get divorced, it won't be because of infideltiy or financial problems or conflicting idealogies. It will be because of my constant, chronic, and habitual throat-clearing. Every 30 seconds. Over the course of a year, that could be potentially maddening. I know that I would not be able to endure that sort of punishment. If you think about it, it's sort of like water torture only without the water. Anyway, I didn't have much to say but I did want to say that I called it. Five dollars if I get it right.

Holla at ya boy!

Paul

The Wedding Planner

Larry,

Hey, I don't have time to talk right now but I wanted to let you know a couple of things:

1. I cried a little during the season finale of the OC. A couple of times, but ironically, not when Marissa died. I had been prepared for that. I think that I teared up a little during the graduation scene. Something about that graduation song that gets to me.

2. The wedding website is up and running and more than functional at the moment. Live links and current photos were added last night. I'll be adding more to the site in weeks to come. I plan on including some Easter Eggs for those that take the time to poke around. I would have done more last night but Anna poopoo'ed some of my ideas so I'll just have to wait until she's out of town.

I hope that you and your wife are well. I heard her on NPR last Friday. She seems delightful.

Paul