Let Me Clear My Throat

Larry David,

What's up? Me? Kickin' it, Fuzzy Navel style. I ran out of beers and had to dip into Anna's peach schnapps. That's not a euphemism for vagina, either.

Nothing makes a man feel gayer than having to drink peach schnapps. Except having his balls licked by a gay guy. That would be gayer, I suppose.

Anyway, I know that if me and Anna ever get divorced, it won't be because of infideltiy or financial problems or conflicting idealogies. It will be because of my constant, chronic, and habitual throat-clearing. Every 30 seconds. Over the course of a year, that could be potentially maddening. I know that I would not be able to endure that sort of punishment. If you think about it, it's sort of like water torture only without the water. Anyway, I didn't have much to say but I did want to say that I called it. Five dollars if I get it right.

Holla at ya boy!

Paul

The Wedding Planner

Larry,

Hey, I don't have time to talk right now but I wanted to let you know a couple of things:

1. I cried a little during the season finale of the OC. A couple of times, but ironically, not when Marissa died. I had been prepared for that. I think that I teared up a little during the graduation scene. Something about that graduation song that gets to me.

2. The wedding website is up and running and more than functional at the moment. Live links and current photos were added last night. I'll be adding more to the site in weeks to come. I plan on including some Easter Eggs for those that take the time to poke around. I would have done more last night but Anna poopoo'ed some of my ideas so I'll just have to wait until she's out of town.

I hope that you and your wife are well. I heard her on NPR last Friday. She seems delightful.

Paul

OC

Larry,

I don't know if you watch The OC. It's a guilty pleasure of mine and I'm not at all ashamed to admit it. In high definition, it's one of the most stunning shows to watch during primetime. And I'm not even talking about Rachel Bilson, although she is quite fetching in HD. However, she's just as fetching in regular def so maybe I'm a little biased when it comes to her character, Summer Roberts.

If you do watch it, I know a secret. I'm sure that lots of people know by now but I wanted to tell someone because I just can't keep secrets bottled up. It will kill me. Must let it out.

Marrissa Cooper dies tonight.

Hope that I didn't ruin it for you.

Later,

Paul

Stanford

Larry,

Hi ho. Remember how I was telling you that I filled out a questionnaire about Stanford on iTunes? Here it is. I'll let you know if I hear anything. Hey, you live in California. Pull some strings, my bro.

I believe that you should offer something of a reward to those students of learning that listen to your online lectures. What, do you ask? I feel that the decent thing to do would be to offer them a distance learning degree or an honorary degree of some sort. Set a goal for the number of hours that one must reach and then, when they've completed the requirements, give them a degree. Don't you give out honorary degrees for celebrities? Why not people like me? I'm not good enough? I haven't been in a blockbuster summer movie? Big deal. I bet you anything I'm smarter than Rob Schneider. Have you seen any of his movies?

Keep up the good work. I'm enjoying the lectures. I'll keep you posted on my progress. But if you decide that you want to offer these remote learning degrees, and you want to keep it on the DL, I'll keep quiet. I'll just hang it in my study with the other two degrees...that I bought on eBay. Just kidding. I earned them. Not from such an esteemed college as Stanford, but an accredited university nonetheless.

Paul Little

ps. I wrote this a few weeks ago and still haven't heard anything so I'm guessing I won't be the first to receive their Distance Learning Degree from Stanford. Who needs 'em? Maybe I'll just talk to Berkley. They are probably more open-minded anyway.

Later,

Paul

A Little Break

Larry,

Hey again. I just wanted to remind you that you are invited to the wedding and to let you know that if you don't want to make the trip from California, you can always elect to simply send a gift. I'm thinking, Prius, but whatever you want to do is fine by me. Personally, I wouldn't want to go either. Weddings are just painful. I often think back fondly to the best wedding that I ever attended. This was more than 10 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. The ceremony lasted all of ten minutes. Now that's the way a wedding should be. Short and sweet. Most marriages don't last long so why put everybody through a long and painful ceremony? It just makes sense to cut it short. People dread the ceremony and only suffer through that for the reception. At least, that's always been my position. Hopefully, ours won't be that painful.

Anna and I were talking about the ceremony itself and we were thinking of ways to make it a little more interesting. I suggested that in the middle of the vows, I pull out a long serrated knife and ceremoniously cut each others palms. Then have the priestess tie our hands together with a scarf or something. That idea, while Anna did find it amusing, was vetoed almost immediately.

Anyway, there are no live links yet on our wedding site yet, you can check it out if you want to hear an excellent Barry White song that Anna swears has a ten-minute long intro. See for yourself. I miss Ally McBeal.

We'll be updating the site this weekend. Hopefully.

Prius.

Talk to you soon,

Paul

iPaul

Larry,

Hey again. I've been meaning to ask you something but I keep forgetting so while I'm thinking about it, I'm going to ask you. Do you have an iPod? What am I saying, you probably have a million gigabyte platinum iPod. What am I saying, you're old and you probably wouldn't know how to work it even if you did have one. No offence. But just in case you do, I wanted to tell you that both Berkley and Stanford are offering class lectures for free to download onto your mp3 player. In case you're interested in learning about Microeconomics or European History or US Foreign Policy. My favorite lecture so far is entitled "Why Zebras Don't get Ulcers", on the Stanford site. It's fascinating. And the professor is hilarious.

I hope that you enjoy it and if you don't know what an mp3 player is, then forget I mentioned it.

Once, when I was downloading some classes to my iPod from the Stanford site, I was asked to participate in a quick survey about Stanford on iTunes. I filled it out and near the end of the survery, there was a blank space where one could add any comments so I asked them if I could earn a degee, provided that I listen to all of the course material. I still haven't heard back from them. But that would be awesome. I'd love to add a few more degrees to my Wall of Degrees, which at present holds exactly two.

I think that's enough for one day.

No wait, there's more. Anna and I just purchased a domain for our website. I'll tell you about that later. I have to be productive since I've taken the day off. On second thought, maybe I should use this free time to relax.

Did you see Jerry and Julia and Jason on SNL this weekend? That intro was great. Where was Michael?

I'll write more later. Really. I'm going to spend some time alone in thoughtful meditation.

Paul

Poem pt. 1

And now, a poem that has nothing to do with anything and yet, means everything. I didn't write this, Jacob did. Thanks, Jacob.

Asbestos tragedies,
mesotheliomas
happen most frequently
inside folks' pleuras.

Then they get bloodthirsty
mesothelioma
lawyers to harass their
stingy insurers.

Random Bits

Larry,

Given my writing infrequency of late, you could consider this a flurry. Although, I would consider none of this to be exciting or important.

I took four showers yesterday. My OCD-like tendencies seem to be rearing thier ugly heads again. That was a bad analogy. I took one in the morning before work. Then I took another in the afternoon after I worked out. That one was absolutely neccessary. Next, I took one not long after I got home from work. I was just hot and I thought that a shower might cool me off. It worked, by the way. Finally, I took one around bedtime. Anna made chicken mushroom quesadillas and they were huge. Ah, she also made a salad to accompany dinner. So, I had my salad and quesadilla. Then, I polished off her salad and 1/4 of her quesadilla that she couldn't finish. I don't like to see food go to waste. Big mistake! I don't think that I've ever consumed so much at once. I hurt badly for 2 hours after dinner. Not to mention, I had the chicken sweats. So, shower number four was important for a number of reasons, namely so that I could cralw into bed and be comfortable. But that's a lot of showers. I have problems.

Oh, one other thing. I got home yesterday and the blender was on full blast. I was a little freaked out. I asked Anna, later, if she had used the blender that morning before she left for work but she said that she didn't. I've come to the conclusion that my house is haunted. Haunted by the spirit of a poor person that was once slain in Hurt Village. That's the housing project that was razed to make room for the Uptown homes, which is where we now live. Obviously, the ghost was jealous of all the fancy aplliances that we have. Poor ghost.

More to come.

Paul

By the way, the video that I included in my last post has now been viewed 79 248 times. And I got an email from some fellow in Canada. People are so immature!

That's hot

Larry,

What's up, partner? How's it going? I'm ok. I wrote you a play.

[Phone rings]

RS: Hello?

V: May I speak to Radio Star?

RS: Speaking.

V: You're a dead man!

[End Scene]

Enjoy!

Pen Pals

Larry,

What's shakin'? Not much here. Chillin'. Anna's gone to sleep and I'm left to my own devices. Big mistake! I did want to mention something that strokes my ego. I use the Google Analytics to see who all is reading my letters to you. That's natural, I would assume. As it turns out, Martyn reads the letters. However, this hasn't always been the case. Seems that one day, Martyn was looking for something that involved foreign objects in the ass and happened to stumble upon us. What was he looking for? We'll never know. But he did get caught by his employers, which is funny in it's own right. He was rebuked but in the end, bonded with his employer as a result of his casual surfing.

I told you earlier that I use Google Analytics, right? Well, Analytics tracks all sorts of things. Normally, nothing is that exciting or worth repeating but I did want to mention a couple of things.

First, someone from Asse, has been reading my letters to you. I can't believe that there is such a city and I think that I'd kill myself if I were from Asse. The jokes write themselves. On second thought, maybe it would be a gold mine to live there.

Second, someone actually typed this into the search box: nair+get+into+my+vagina+what+do+i+do?

I love it. I love to think that someone's painful vagina is the reason that they read my letter to you. That makes it a little dirty and at the same time, a little sexy.

People have also searched for crystal meth and deoderant so I must tell you that I am pleased. Such arbitrary words for such an arbitrary undertaking.

Martyn is awesome. Upper Norwood rocks!

Thanks, Martyn. Keep reading even though I only write to Larry once every two weeks.

Paul