All Things Poop

Larry,

How's it going brother? All's well here in Memphis. Spring is beginning to perk up after a long winter buried underground. But I'm not writing to talk to you about Spring. I wanted to say some things about poop that I've been keeping to myself for a while. My buddy Joey has a theory about poop. It's complicated and I don't want to go into details but, in a nutshell, he believes that if more people were comfortable talking about poop, the world would be a better place. I don't know if he has scientific data to back it up, but he's a sharp guy and I think that there's something to his theory. So, to that end...

He (or maybe it was Cara) said that he/she overheard a conversation on the streets of New York. A woman was on the phone and apparently, the person with whom she was speaking had to go to the bathroom-badly. In closing, she said "Alright, go shit, shitty". Frank talk about poop. Joe's theory, in action.

I talk about poop a lot. Maybe too much. However, I don't like to be graphic about it, so I have created a euphemism for the process that I believe softens the blow when I discuss it with strangers or coworkers. I refer to it as "seeing the doctor". I have taken the euphemism one step further and created a persona for my doctor. I call him Dr. Tu. He's an Indian fellow, maybe from Pakistan. I don't know because normally we don't discuss world affairs. Usually, when I see him, he's all business. So, in the future, when I refer to the doctor, it's probably Dr. Tu to whom I am referring.

I know that your kids are too old to appreciate this, but I saw a website the other day that made me believe that Joe's theory has spread to France...or at least to Canada. It's this site, aimed at children, that let's them pick out certain types of food, stick that food into a machine that's supposed to be your digestive system, and see what kind of poop that combination of food produces. If you should happen to visit, choose all McDonalds. That is one bad poop.

I pooped on Starbucks. Really, it was an accident. Ok, this is going to be confusing. I can't remember if this happened before or after my shoulder surgery, but not too long ago, I had to go see a real doctor (not Dr. Tu) about something shoulder-related. During the exam, I got a page from Dr. Tu-he wanted to let me know that he needed to see me right away about some tests that he'd done. I thought that I'd wait until I got home to see him-he does make house calls. Unfortunately, after I left the (real) doctor's office, I realized that I would not make it home. This was an emergency situation so I stopped at Starbucks. Thought that I would kill two birds with one stone. I walked in and quickly made my was to the restroom. I'll spare you the details but what took place in there was disturbing. It was as though I had been to Mexico and unknowingly drank lots and lots of water. So, I'll just say this-there was some leakage. After I was done. On the floor. Disgusting, I know. I can't go back there again. I can't-I won't.

That's it, I think. I was out walking Xander this morning and there was a couple out on the park bench talking to one another. As I approached, they started to make those sounds that indicated that they wanted to interact with the dog. I didn't want to stop so I just yelled, "Xander, make some poopy"! They laughed and I was able to make my escape. He did, shortly thereafter. Green poop. Awesome!

That's really it.

Take care and cherish the poop.

Paul

Me v. Citibank, episode 3 (Phantom Menace)

Larry,

And the winner is...

You wrote:
Please send me a refund check for the credit balance of $59.80.

Re: Account - Credit Balance Refund 02/01/06 09:24:45 AM 3 of 3
Customer Service Wrote:
Your credit balance refund has been processed, and you should receive a check within 2 weeks. For your protection, all refund checks are sent to the primary cardholder at the address on file.
Thank you for using our website.

RE: Account - Credit Balance Refund 02/01/06 09:48:37 AM 3 of 3
You wrote:
Hey Citibank. Sorry that I had to throw down the proverbial gauntlet and transfer my balance. Sincerely, I love you guys. I'll make sure that my next major purchase is made with my Citibank Visa card. I don't want to lose you guys as a business partner. And, if I may say so, as a friend, You guys rock. I mean that. Paul

Me v. Citibank Visa, episode 2

Larry,

The battle for $60.00 and my pride continues...

Dear Citibank, When I agreed to transfer my balance to the Citibank visa card, I did so because I was offered a no interest option until January of 2006. Yet, when I received my account summary, I couldn't help but notice that I did incur some finance charges. Will you please explain or simply deduct them from my outstanding balance? Thanks a ton. You guys are great! Keep up the excellent work.
Sincerely, Paul Little

Re: Finance Charges 10/03/05 03:09:45 AM 2 of 2
Customer Service Wrote:
Our records indicate that the account is currently in default status, based on your payment history.
Your Card Agreement states in part, that your Annual Percentage Rate (APR) may be increased if you fail to meet the terms of the Card Agreement because you fail to make a payment to us or any other creditor when due.
Your account may be eligible for a lower rate after you have met the terms of all Card Agreements for six consecutive months. Your existing balances will remain subject to the higher rate until they are paid in full.
If you feel that this is in error, please contact us.
You can also contact our Customer Care Center at 1-800-950-5114. Outside the U.S., please call collect at 605-335-2222.
Thank you for using our website.

RE: Finance Charges 11/01/05 04:43:43 PM 2 of 2
You wrote:
Hello Citibank, In regards to the message above, I just wanted to say this: I felt that I left myself plenty of time to pay the amount due by the due date. However, I underestimated the amount of time that it would take to authorize my online status. I thought for sure that 3-5 days was more than enough time to arrange for this. I was wrong. It took 8-10 before I was able to pay online. If I had known that it would take this long, I would have adjusted my schedule accordingly. I think that in lieu of paying a higher interest rate and late fees that I don't feel I deserve, I will simply transfer my balance elsewhere. You guys removed the late payment fee so I assumed that you would still allow the no interest terms. I guess that we know what assuming does. Still, no hard feelings, ok? I like you guys. I'm sure that we'll do business again in the near future.
Paul Little

RE: Finance Charges 11/01/05 05:05:06 PM 2 of 2
Customer Service Wrote:
We will submit a request to review your account for a rate adjustment. If approved, your account will be restored to the standard APR on all of the active balances, including:
-Balance Transfer Rates
-Rate Sale Offers
-Intro Rates
-APR Buy-Downs
If the higher rate was due to a bank error, any necessary finance charges and fees will be credited to the account and reflected on a future statement. Related accounts will be updated as well.
Thank you for using our website.

RE: Finance Charges 11/01/05 05:27:16 PM 2 of 2
You wrote:
Dear Customer Service, Ok. I agree to your terms. I will hold off a day or two while you review my account. I'm sorry that I snapped earlier. I'm having a fat day. You know how it is. You wake up and you feel bloated. Too much candy! Oh well. I'll be hitting the gym tomorrow. Take it easy.
Paul

RE: Finance Charges 11/01/05 05:57:11 PM 2 of 2
Customer Service Wrote:
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Our records indicate the Annual Percentage Rate (APR) for purchases on this account is currently at 17.74%. This variable APR is based on the prime rate (currently 6.75%) plus 10.99%.
Our records indicate the balance transfer APR on this account is currently at 0%. As long as you do not default under any card Agreement, this offer will be valid until 01/01/06.
Thank you for using our website.

RE: Finance Charges 12/03/05 11:58:09 AM 2 of 2
You wrote:
Play it your way Citibank. I'm going to move my money from out of this account and cancel all of my Citibank cards. I didn't want to take this course of action but you leave me no choice, now do you? Shame on you, Citibank. It's the holidays for goodness' sake. Have you no decency?
Paul

RE: Finance Charges 12/03/05 12:25:30 PM 2 of 2
Customer Service Wrote:
Our records indicate the Annual Percentage Rate (APR) for purchases and balance transfer on this account has been lowered. The APR for purchases is currently at 17.99%. This variable APR is based on the prime rate (currently 7.00%) plus 10.99%. Your APR for balance transfer is at 0.00%.
If you have further questions, please call the number on the back of your card, and we will be happy to assist you. Thank you for using our website.

RE: Finance Charges 12/08/05 10:14:03 PM 2 of 2
You wrote:
Sorry Citibank but it's just not good enough. You want to play hardball? You got it. I told you that I was serious about transferring the balance. Well, I don't mess around. You said that I'd have 0% APR until January. However, I've incurred finance charges for the past 3 months; all because I wanted to pay online and it took you a week to give me online access. Not a very nice trick. I'll be transferring my balance within the hour. Discover will be so pleased. I want to say "Eat it" but I'm going to take the high road. Best of luck, Citibank. I hope that we meet again someday.
Paul

RE: Finance Charges 12/08/05 10:31:02 PM 2 of 2
Customer Service Wrote:
Finance charges for purchases, balance transfers and cash advances will begin to accrue from the date the transaction is added to your balance. They will continue to accrue until payment in full is credited to your account.
This means that when you make your final payment on these balances, you will pay interest for the time between the date your last statement prints and the date your payment is credited to your account.
Thank you for using our website.

RE: Finance Charges 12/08/05 11:09:31 PM 2 of 2
You wrote:
Citibank, That doesn't even make sense. You told me that I would have 0% APR on balance transfers until January. It's a moot point now anyway because I am transferring my transferred balance to another credit card company. So, in essence, there will be no more finance charges from you. See you around.
Paul
ps. Merry freaking Christmas!

RE: Finance Charges 12/08/05 11:57:53 PM 2 of 2
Customer Service Wrote:
We apologize for any inconvenience caused to you.
We have credited your account $59.80 for the finance charge assessed. This credit should appear on your account within two business days.
Thank you for using our website.

Me v. Citibank, episode 1

Larry,

What's up, doggy? I know that I've been inundating you with letters lately. I'm sorry but I think that you'll enjoy this exchange that I had with Citibank a while back regarding my credit card and our little game of chicken. I don't think that you need too much background but to get you caught up, here's what happened. I transferred a balance to my Citibank Visa card because they offered 0% interest for 6 months. I love no interest. So, I transferred the balance. However, I wanted to pay online so I signed up for online billing. I thought that it would take 3-5 days but it took much longer. Subsequently, I made a payment late. They proceeded to yank the no-interest terms. This is what happened (via email):

Late Payment 08/09/05 11:37:31 PM 1 of 1
You wrote:
Hello, do you think that you might forgive the late payment fee for me this one time? I have recently moved and am not receiving my mail in a timely manner. Also, the post office has given me some bad information concerning my zip code. In addition, I have been trying to pay my bill online since the 3rd and I am still unable to do so. It would mean a lot to me. What do you say? You're the best!
Paul Little

Re: Late Payment 08/09/05 11:50:34 PM 1 of 1
Customer Service Wrote:
As a goodwill gesture, we have credited your account $39.00 for the late fee assessed. This credit should appear on your account within two business days. We must receive your payments by the due date in order to avoid late fees in the future.
Please reply to this message with your new address and/or phone number, and we will be happy to update your account with the new information.
We investigated your inquiry and our records indicate that statements were mailed to you each month. We cannot determine a reason for the delay. If this continues, please contact your local post office to resolve this problem.
Thank you for using our website.

RE: Late Payment 08/10/05 12:33:52 AM 1 of 1
You wrote:
Thank you, Citibank. As soon as I can pay online, I will do so. And it will be so much more than the minimum payment. I think that you will be very proud of me. I will not soon forget your generosity. I will update my profile as per your instructions. Thanks again, Paul Little

Customer Service Wrote:
Thank you for using our website.

The Importance of Being Jewish

Larry,

Howdy fella. I wanted to tell you this a while back but with the holidays and hepatitis and surgery, I never got around to it. I wish that I were Jewish. You know why? Because Christmas sucks. You know what sucks even worse than that? Christmas parties. Something bad happened to me at our office party this year and it felt like something that might happen to you...in the event that you weren't Jewish.

I attended my office Christmas party, mostly because there were prizes to be given away and of course, there was free food. I was reluctant but I went also because some of my work friends were going to be there and frankly, it was a better option than being stuck in the office. So, we ate and talked and soon after everyone had finished their meals, the games begun.

Every year we play the White Elephant game. It's the one where everyone brings a present and then people draw numbers to determine the order and then one person opens a present and the next person either gets to take that present or open another present. It goes on forever. This year, Brenda brought her little boy, AJ. About half-way through the game, AJ gets bored and decides that he's going to pass the time by helping people open up there presents. I drew a number somewhere near the end so when it was my turn, I went to the front of the room, quickly picked an unopened present and proceeded to open it. AJ, hovering near the present-staging area, immediately grabbed for my gift. I, channeling Adam Sandler as I often do, screamed (loudly), "Let me do it!" Big Mistake. He took off, ran for the protection of his mother, and cried like he had just been beaten with a bamboo cane. This went on for what seemed like 6 minutes. My fellow party-goers were furious, shocked, and appalled by my behavior. They scolded me and then demanded that I apologize to the little drama queen. I, of course, refused. This kid was like 5 so I knew that were I to apologize, he wouldn't really understand why I had done it or that I meant him no harm. Not to mention, I wasn't really sorry at all. This was just my attempt at taking the spotlight back from the little spotlight hog. My plan backfired. The worst thing about it was that, as the crying began to die down, he loudly scoffed "Stupid head" or some other such nonsense.

Crybaby. See where that gets you in life.

On a lighter note, that was only the first of two children that I made cry that day. Two-for-one. I rock!

So, I envy your Jewishness. If it weren't so difficult, I'd probably convert. But you guys probably wouldn't want me anyway.

Hope that you are enjoying this mild winter. There's snow on the ground in Memphis for the first time in ages. Actually, it's probably only been a year.

Talk to you soon,

Paul

Dog Pee, Meet Ass-Crack

Larry,

What's up brother? I haven't written in a while so I wanted to drop you a line and tell you hello, see how you were doing, etc. Me, I'm doing much better. I did experience a hepatitis scare a couple of weeks back but it turns out that I don't have viral hepatitis after all. Just a little liver damage from too much drinky drink. I should be fine in a month or two.

Last night, Anna had gotten into bed around 10:45. I usually get in after her because I have to brush, wash my hands, floss, gargle with mouthwash, snort some saline spray into my nostrils, apply moisturizer to my hands, and get a glass of water for the bedside table. Usually, I need an extra 15 minutes. Usually, she's asleep before I even make it to the bed. Last night was no different and as I climbed into bed she was quickly drifting off into Sleepyland. Xander, on the other hand was acting a little nutso. This is not unusual. Normally, I take him out to pee and poo right before bed. For whatever reason, this process reinvigorates him and briefly, he gets this shot of adrenaline and typically runs around barking like a dog on crystal meth. So, I jumped into bed and grabbed my book (Stephen King's new novel which is excellent by the way) and settled in for some lighting reading before I called it a night. As a slid under the warm and inviting sheets, Xander almost immediately dived under with me. Sometimes, he likes to hunker down under the covers and snuggle up close to my near-naked body. But this time, he just kept going, making his way in between my outstretched legs. I was nervous because he was scratching and biting and I was afraid that he was going to get hold of something that I consider pretty valuable. I was lucky in that respect. He didn't make a run for my cherries. He just peed right there between my legs, soaking the bed, my underwear and (gulp), my anus. I had no choice but to run, not walk, to the bathroom and shower. Anna wasn't happy or all that helpful with the cleanup. But she did ok for someone that was on the verge of REM sleep. I'm glad that she was there to help out.

All is well. I've been tainted. On the taint, ironically.

I hope that you are well and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Paul

Smell My Finger

Larry,

What up, player? This won't be long. Just wanted to tell you about a milestone that I reached the other day. You know that I had the surgery last week, right? Well, I've been pretty sore since. I think that I might have an infection. Not sure. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out for sure. Anyway, since the surgery, I haven't been able to move around very well. This has been a hindrance for going to "see the doctor". In addition, it's prevented me from showering regularly. I think that it was Monday that I was finally able to take a bath. Anna said that she'd help but then fell asleep far too early. This left me to go it alone. Mission accomplished. However, since I'd established that I was in too much pain to do it regularly, I decided to wait until yesterday to get in the tub again. Jonathan came over in the middle of the day. But by then, I was as ripe as a banana. In fact, I can remember on several occasions, while he was here, smelling myself uncontrollably. Don't get me wrong; it stank. But there's something about that smell. It's one of those smells that you can't help but smell. It was repulsive. And yet, I could not stop the constant whiffing. I really wanted Anna to smell it, simply because it was so bad. So I held off on the shower. I wanted to at least wait until she got home so that she could get a taste of this bad medicine. So, Jonathan left and she got home. I confessed to her that I was in dire need of a bath. She was tired after a long day's work. She was weak. I slid my finger into my pit-not finger to shirt but finger to actual armpit. Then I begged of her..."Please, smell this-one time". She partook. She did smell of the finger and I'll be honest, because I'm somewhat proud, she gagged. Not once, but four times. The scent did activate her gag reflex.

I shouldn't be proud of this, I know. But still. It's kinda cool. I almost made her throw up with my body odor. Makes you wonder about these French people. I mean, I hear that natural body odor is an aphrodisiac. If that were the case, I'd be getting laid all the time. And I wouldn't even need the internet.

I was stinky.

I got a shower tonight. I'm flying solo right now and there's nothing on the horizon. All is as it should be.

Take care,

Paul

Mother's Milk

Dear Larry,

Angela, from my work, had a baby recently. Four months ago, I think. A boy. She named him BJ. I told her about the pitfalls of a baby named BJ but she didn't listen. That's beside the point. She came back to work, reluctantly. However, she wanted to breast-feed so employed the pump when she was away from BJ. This, I applaud. It's just so sad that she had to be exiled to some solitary storage closet to do God's work for it is close-minded people that cannot see the beauty of breast-feeding. I don't want to get off on a rant, so I'll just stop there.

So, I get to work one Monday and realize that I have foolishly left my coffee creamer at home. If I don't have creamer then I don't have coffee and if I don't have coffee, then I am one cranky camper. I go visit Sabrina, who is good friends with Angela, and I ask her, do you think that we can steal some of Angela's cream. She keeps it refrigerated, don't you know, because it is milk. Sabrina thinks that it's possible and I keep watch while Sabrina checks the fridge to see if the package is available. Sadly, it was not. Not sure if it was a slow day, milkwise or if Angela simply chose not to milk it that day. At any rate, there was no milk to be had. I was coffeeless. A sad day, by any account.

I was excited at the prospect of having some breastmilk in my coffee for a couple of reasons:

#1. It would have been hot.

and

#2. I would have digested her DNA. I don't know why that excites me but it does. I'm not a Biology major but I think that me drinking her breast milk would have been tantamount to Jeff Goldblum and that fly being teleported to that other pod. I sort of think that after drinking that cup of coffee, I would have taken on some of Angela's qualities. In retrospect, she is a girl and to be honest, I would have hated to walk away with a vagina. So, maybe it all worked out for the best.

Still, it would have been hot.

Glad that I got that off my chest. I said "chest". Brilliant.

Take care,

Paul

Nair do Well

Dear Larry,

I had surgery last Friday. Maybe I didn't tell you about it but it's been a while since I've written so I doubt that I did. As it turns out, I had some arthritis in my AC joint. Don't worry, it's not the kind of arthritis that you'd get what with you being old. The doctor said that it was on account of some kind of trauma that occurred. I'd like to think that it was a result of me pretending that I'm a pitcher and throwing fast balls to some cocky first baseman. Anna seems to think that I've fallen out of my chair one too many times. At any rate, there was some trauma. So I had an operation to cut out the arthritis. I'm not sure what really happened. I just know that it hurt. It still hurts, in fact. But that's not the point. You know that I'm a pretty hairy guy, right? Well, I was a little apprehensive about the operation. My mom has told me stories about surgeons amputating the wrong arm or leg. I was fearful, I'll admit. So, the night before the surgery, I had Anna Nair an arrow on my back, pointing to the right (i.e. correct) shoulder. Just to make sure that the doctor cut on the right one. It worked. My right arm hurts like a sonofabitch.

I have more stories. Soon, my friend, soon.

Be well,

Paul

My brother, the pimp

Dear Larry,

 

It's been a while. How have you been? Me? Oh, I've been doing ok. I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas time to be honest. More on that later. My brother told me a secret and he swore me to secrecy but I cannot keep a secret. I must tell someone. So, when I confess to him that I told Larry David, he won't be upset. Frankly, he might not even recognize your name. Nevertheless, he shouldn't be too bothered.

 

Anyway, he confided in me that he had begun a sexual relationship with a woman named Joyce. Not because he cares for her as much as she has a car that she lets him borrow frequently. In fact, I think that Joyce is (or at this point, was) quite smitten with him. If you knew him, you'd find this pretty amazing. He's a swell fellow but not much for the settling down. This wasn't the secret, though. The secret was that he had also taken up with her daughter, who's name eludes me at the moment. She's a bit on the young side. Anyway, he carried on with the two of them for a little while without them knowing about his relationship with the other. Pretty cool. That's like one of those goals that, as men, we hope to one day attain, but never really believe that it will ever happen. For instance, the menage et trois is another such goal. That one ranks a little higher than the other but I think that you get my point. Anyway, he can scratch one off of the list.

 

I'm so very proud.

 

Hope all is well.

 

Happy Chanukah!

 

ps. Don't tell anyone.

 

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